I’ve been “reviewing” Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas approximately for seven years which is another way of saying that I make unhealthy decisions. This year, I’ll be away during the airing of the first film of the season, and I won’t get to anything until after Halloween (as God intended).
To keep the spirit of a Commercial Christmas alive, I will rate the films on a scale of 1 to 5 based only on the poster and movie title. I will not read the synopsis. Note that the lineup also includes a few TV series, so I will skip those and focus on the ~cinéma~.
A Royal Montana Christmas – 1/5
A title that implies there is a monarchy in the state where the Unabomber holed up for a quarter of his life? While that sounds promising, the poster tells a different story.
Unless the horse is a secret prince, this will be a disappointing view.
A Christmas Angel Match – 4/5
Ok, now we’re talking. Angels don’t exist solely to worship God and terrify young virgins from the BC era (BCE to you heathens). If I know my Hallmarks these two angels are going to fall in love. Extra points go to the male lead for gracing us with a f*ck boy face on a poster targeted at middle-aged women who read Southern Living.
Merry Christmas, Ted Cooper! – 4/5
This is a title and poster that commit. How often do you see a title that features an exclamation point! Look at that font. Look at these two leads playing it real cool even though the elements are clearly against them. I’m rooting for Ted to have a Merry Christmas.
Christmas on Duty – 2/5
I’ll give them points for wrapping the leads in Christmas lights. But this amount of sexy PDA in uniform feels like a military offense or at least some form of misconduct.
Newport Christmas – 1/5
WASPs celebrating Christmas in the capital of WASPs? Count me out.
Christmas Above the Clouds – 3/5
From here on out, some of the films don’t have posters (yet). So, I will judge films using the photo that is on the film’s promotional page. We already have the angel movie, so I can only assume that the leads are both flight attendants. One is cheery and the other one is surly. Together, they have to stop a certain plane from crashing into a certain building…on Christmas!
A Keller Christmas Vacation – 2/5
The only Christmas vacation film I’ll watch is Chevy Chase’s National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, thankyouverymuch. However, if they make a film featuring the two guys in the back, I may make an exception.
Three Wisest Men – 3/5
I still haven’t seen the first two films which were meant to be charming, even if they were knock-offs of the Three Men and a Baby film series. I assume they will be raising a full grown man at this stage. If Hallmark does a knock off Weekend at Bernie’s though, I’m in.
Tidings For the Season – 1/5
Banking on the title quite a bit here for my ranking and the film has really let me down. Tamera looks ethereal, so maybe this is another angel film. After all, is the title not what the angels said to those poor hapless shepherds? More than likely, this will be a film about a single father who is unhealthily attracted to his son’s teacher, and they have to work together to make the 4th grade Christmas pageant a success!
Holiday Touchdown: A Bills Love Story – 2/5
Last year, we got a Chiefs love story, so I guess Hallmark is going back to the NFL well and giving the Bills a try. Will it be as successful as the Chiefs film? Visit DraftKings to place your bet today!
Melt My Heart This Christmas – 1/5
Generic. I assume it’s something to do with bauble-making, but this poster doesn’t sell it enough. Props to the poster artist for putting safety glasses on the worktable. OSHA would be proud.
We Met in December – 0/5
Even if there was a poster, it would have to have explosions to salvage this rating. This is no title. This is an answer you give when a stranger at party asks you and your spouse unimaginative questions.
The Snow Must Go On – 3/5
It’s snow joke that I love this title. This rating is based on the strength of it alone. I won’t watch this film as it will most definitely ruin the title for me.
The More the Merrier – 1/5
As there’s no poster, I’ll use this one from a film described as a “raunchy Spanish sex comedy”. Four words that if used individually or collectively could never describe a Hallmark.
An Alpine Holiday – 2/5
This poster is one more person away from becoming the raunchy Spanish sex comedy More the Merrier. The look on that male lead shows that he wants this Alpine holiday to turn into an Alpeen holiday.
A Grand Ole Opry Christmas – 1/5
Didn’t Hallmark already do a Grand Ole Opry movie? I’ll be honest, it’s all congealing into one film. I spoiled this for myself a little and apparently Brad Paisley will play some music in it. I don’t listen to any of his music, but the fact that he’s still making it, I respect that.
The Christmas Cup – 2/5
The title intrigues me. I would like to know if this is a cup that you ingest from or win in a hockey tournament. More than likely it’s for some sort of bogus Christmas “Olympics” that a small town made up in the ancient year of 1983. I’d like to focus on this promo photo a little. I could’ve sworn that the male lead was hover handing. He looks like a man who does a good hover hand.
Christmas at the Catnip Café – 4/5
Hallmark, make your promo photos more like this when you don’t have a poster. No more headshots. I want the leads in pajamas holding small animals. A film about a lonely pilot? Picture of him and his leading lady flight attendant with cats. A film about a lonely woman who runs an impractical year-round Christmas stocking shop? Behind the scenes photo of her and a Hallmark “hunk” with guinea pigs. A film about a lonely veterinarian who thinks owning five Bernese Mountain dogs will fill the hole in her heart? Scrap the photo and make a poster asap featuring only the Bernese Mountain dogs.
She’s Making a List – 3/5
Hallmark is begging for a murder film. Yes, there’s the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries channel, but regular Hallmark needs a dead body. I can only pray that after going on multiple disappointing dates, Lacey decides to fill that empty space in her soul by committing a series of complicated gruesome murders.
Single on the 25th – 2/5
Two smokin’ hotties are single for Christmas? Don’t they understand that their only purpose as red-blooded Americans is to get a job, get married, buy a house, and procreate all while getting deeper and deeper into crippling debt? Oh, they’re Canadian? Then they can continue enjoying universal healthcare while hoein’ around.
A Suite Holiday Romance – 2/5
You think you can get away with a low effort pun to get a higher rating? Think again, A Suite Holiday Romance. There’s no such saying. You can’t just insert a homophone and declare your copywriting job done. For shame, A Suite Holiday Romance. For shame.
Oy to the World! – 3/5
Now, Oy to the World, there’s a pun! Though a point has been deducted from the rating as I’ve heard that one before. The spelling was a bit different and was more punk than Jewish, but the point broadly stands. Also, I think Hallmark is doing the whole “Hanukkah is just Jewish Christmas” thing which always feels a bit weird.
A Make or Break Holiday – 1/5
This is an awful title. It could mean anything. They could’ve put “Untitled Hallmark Christmas Movie” and it would give me the same amount of information.
The Christmas Baby – 4/5
This title is what everyone calls their cat when they put a Santa hat on it for the annual Christmas photo.
RECAP?
And that’s every Hallmark film for 2025. The lineup was strong out of the gate but sort of loses steam as it goes on which precisely describes the trajectory of my spirit as I go through the Countdown to Christmas season. I’m not sure which I’ll watch, but I’m keeping my options open. My bet is on those angels that get married. That’s bound to be idiotic.
Happy Halloween season Countdown to Christmas!
You must be logged in to post a comment.