George continues enjoying his toupee, and Kramer sets him up with a woman who turns out to be bald. Elaine acts as a beard for a gay man, then falls for him. Jerry hits on a cop who puts him through a lie detector test to prove he’s seen Melrose Place. Kramer works as a guy in a lineup.

Written by: Carol Leifer
Directed by: Andy Ackerman

The eponymous beard this episode is the concept of acting as a fake female partner to a gay man, and what a concept for Seinfeld to play with! If anything, it’s the kind of social niche this show was made for. What I enjoy is how, as always, the show explores it for one scene and then develops it into something else; not only do we get exactly one example of Elaine playing the beard, and not only do we get her putting her whole ass into the game of the thing, we get strong hints that the charade is totally unnecessary and, indeed, Elaine not grasping that her friend’s boss is feeling a little sorry for her. It’s practically a George Costanza move for Elaine to pile on example after example of said boyfriend to be totally, 100% heterosexual, and watching it land on a guy who thinks she’s deluding herself is so funny.

After that, it moves into Elaine actually developing feelings for the guy. Now, this episode operates in a world where bisexuality doesn’t exist; as a bisexual man, I’m okay with that for this specific example, because this only really works if it’s the story of a straight woman trying to woo a gay man. Jerry’s defence of the guy’s sexuality is great, because it’s really him attacking Elaine’s plan and the logic of it (“They’re only comfortable with their equipment.”) (although operating in a world where trans people don’t exist is where it falls down for me). One thing you can say about Jerry’s worldview – and thus, the worldview of the show – is that it’s based on the assumption people are motivated by things, and those motivations generally being what they said they were. There is an assumption of other people are autonomous, which puts him one step ahead of most people.

(It also kills me that the relationship essentially falls apart because Elaine simply cannot compete with people who know their own bodies better than she does)

Meanwhile, we get the conclusion of George’s adventures with a toupee. It kills me how George can go nuts with even the smallest amount of power, not just wielding it but breathing it in. Jason Alexander makes a meal out of every word George declaims, drunk on his own hair. When Elaine loses her shit with George and rips his toupee off, the text is that she’s infuriated with his hypocrisy (which is hypocritical on her own part, of course), but there’s also the subtext that she just doesn’t want this guy to be smug – amusingly tied into the little self-aware dig at Jerry at the very end.

TOPICS O’ THE WEEK

• I think George actually looks perfectly fine in the toupee.
• “You seeing that policewoman?” / “Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side.”
• Only on this show could accidentally giving your tupperware container to a homeless man and getting a sketch artist to draw someone from memory for you be minor parts of scenes. Always Sunny would make much more of a spectacle out of the latter in “The ANTI-Social Network”.
• “Everyone gets along great when there’s no possibility of sex.”
• “Then it’s settled: first date, no weapons.” Jerry really does do things for material.
• “I notice people staring at my head coz they like what they see.” I enjoy Alexander playing this line very carefully, like George is very successfully holding in his temper.
• “Is it true that when someone is lying, their pants are actually on fire?”
• The plot of Jerry lying about watching Melrose Place is great because it’s another example of the show coming close to being post-modern without tipping over – a rare case of the characters admitting they’re blowing something small out of proportion.
• Profound moments with George Costanza: “Jerry, just remember: it’s not a lie… if you believe it.”
• I skipped over “Highlights of 100” because I do generally pull back and look at the whole show fairly frequently, but I was thinking – I do so love talking about this show, and how each episode really is a singular unit. The basic banality of the show extends to the tone of its construction – these people would get up every week and knock up a solid half hour of entertainment. I’ve been thinking lately that, despite the reputation of artists, the value of art is that unlike life, you can make it totally efficient. George shows us how trying to grab complete control of life with systems and quantified techniques can be silly and self-defeating, but Seinfeld itself is elegant, simple, and efficiently made, and there’s pleasure in seeing its bizarre sense of order. Every week, I’m refreshed to come to this thing.

Biggest Laugh: There’s something weirdly moving about this.

Next Week: “The Kiss Hello”.