After a wild regular season, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are here! Let’s look at the matchups. Hey, where’s Boston? Philadelphia? Pittsburgh? New York(both of them)? Detroit? Chicago? Let’s look at the First Round matchups with my predictions along with the predictions of my Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ 

 Eastern Conference: 

Washington Capitals vs Montreal Canadiens

Last in War! Last in Peace! First Place in the NHL East! The Capitals might not be the only team in DC captained by a Russian asset but they are by far the better one. The storied Canadiens  barely squeaked into the playoffs so, naturally, fans are already camping out on rue Sainte-Catherine for  the Stanley Cup victory parade!

My Prediction: Habs in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: My stepdad (no, the new one) let me watch Fight Club so now I know everything! Capitals in 5

Toronto Maple Leafs vs Ottawa Senators 

Its the Battle of Ontario as the long suffering Toronto Maple Leafs take on the long suffering Ottawa Senators in a series that might go long but is all but guaranteed to be full of suffering

My Prediction: Leafs in 5

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: Game 1 is on 420! Getting drunk on my stepdad’s (the old one) expired Nyquil is just like smoking weed, right? Marijuana Leafs in 4…20! Nice!

Tampa Bay Lightning vs Florida Panthers 

When the red hot Tampa Bay Lightning take on intrastate rivals and defending Stanley Cup Champions Florida Panthers; the ice in the Sunshine State is gonna burn!  These two teams don’t like each other very much, but that’s alright; few people like them either.

My Prediction: Lightning in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: Hey, <indeterminate slur> Panthers in 7 

Carolina  Hurricanes vs New Jersey Devils

 How many times are these two teams gonna play each other in a postseason? Hey, Hockey Gods, you know you can have a playoff that doesn’t have Carolina vs New Jersey, right…. Right?!?

My Prediction: ‘Canes in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: *doesn’t even bother to look up from phone* Hurricanes in 6

Western Conference:

Winnipeg Jets vs St Louis Blues 

The Jets won the regular season Presidents Trophy; is it still a curse if a Canadian team wins it? Don’t bother getting to attached to  the Blues, they won’t be around for very long 

My Prediction: Jets in 4

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: Last night your mom said Jets in 5

Dallas Stars vs Colorado Avalanche 

I’m still not entirely convinced the Dallas Stars actually exist. The Avalanche are a team built for the playoffs; with substandard materials of course, but how much do you really need when playing a figment of someone’s imagination 

My Prediction: Avs in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction:  *scratches an anarchy symbol into stepdad’s(don’t know which one, I’ve lost track) ‘97 Honda Civic*… Sid Vicious Lives! Stars in 7

Vegas Golden Knights vs Minnesota Wild

The Vegas Golden Knights are a team looking to get back to, albeit evil, respectability. The Minnesota Wild are a team!… A team with players!…  Players that play hockey!…  Hockey on Ice!

My Prediction: Knights in 5

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: *overheard while doing yard work* I DONT CARE IF IT’S A SCHOOL NIGHT, MOM! YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER! KNIGHTS IN 6!

Los Angeles Kings vs Edmonton Oilers 

There are  only three things in life that are certain; Death, Taxes, and the Oilers knocking out the Kings out of the NHL Playoffs in seven games 

My Prediction: Oilers in 7

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor™ Prediction: You got pwned! How does that bag of dicks taste, noob?! Epic fail yeet yeet hawk tuah yolo swag lol dab memes Kings in 7!

The Washington Capitals  turn to the dark side is complete after massacring the youngling Montreal Canadiens. The Carolina Hurricanes scraped the New Jersey Devils off their shoes. The Florida Panthers upped the voltage while knocking out the Tampa Bay Lightning! The Toronto Maple Leafs won the sleepy war of attrition in Ontario against rival Ottawa Senators. The bad boys of Sin City Vegas Golden Knights tamed a scrappy Minnesota Wild. I’m mean, yeah, of course the Edmonton Oilers beat the LA Kings; what sport do you think this is? The Dallas Stars fell in love with life; they were drinking from a fountain; and  dispatched Colorado like an Avalanche; coming down the mountain. The  Winnipeg Jets  beat the Blues so badly St. Louis thinks ‘Black and Blue” is the best Rolling Stones album.

Now, let’s  look at the Quarterfinals Matchups along with my predictions and the  predictions of my Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor’s Stepfather

Eastern Conference: 

Washington Capitals vs Carolina Hurricanes

All is not quiet in the Southeastern Front in this soul crushing match up between the  Vichy-Washington Capitals and the Carolina Co-belligerent Hurricanes. The only possible outcome is a crushed soul!

My Prediction: it’s been almost 30 years since they stole my Whalers and it still pains 

me to root  for Carolina, but everything about  DC is just too evil now. ‘Canes in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor’s Stepfather Prediction:  If you wanna help pay the goddamned bills you can make your own goddamned prediction, as long as you’re living in my house, under my roof; I say Capitals in 7

Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Florida Panthers

The Florida Panther are giving their one  fan, what he wants the most; Victory. These Maple Leafs are giving long-suffering fans in Toronto the cruelest gift of them all; Hope. This couldn’t be the year, could it?…

My Prediction: These teams met in  the 2023 playoffs; this looks to be the same result. Panthers in 5

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor’s Stepfather Prediction: Who messed with my stereo settings!? Oh and now my Sabbath records are all out of order! I’M GOING OUT FOR SMOKES; Panthers in 6!

Western Conference:

Vegas Golden Knights vs Edmonton Oilers

The Vegas Golden Knights took a gamble when they added Dick Dastardly and his Really Rottens to the lineup but it seems to have worked. The Edmonton Oilers need to focus on the series at hand put aside the hatred towards Captain Planet and the Planeteers.

My Prediction:  Oilers in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor’s Stepfather Prediction: (No Data)

 Winnipeg Jets vs  Dalllas Stars 

The high flying Dallas Stars are somebody’s fantasy team somewhere. Not mine though, my fantasy team has more fireball spells, nudity, and the 1986 Hartford Whalers. After a wild first round series ending in an epic game 7; the Winnipeg Jets are contemplating the bold strategy of pulling their goalie for the entire series 

My Prediction: They may be incredibly shaky in goal but after that epic game 7 in the first round I’m thinking Jets in 6

Annoying Teenage Edgelord Neighbor’s Stepdad(the new one)’s Prediction: If you wanna help pay the goddamned bills you can make your own goddamned prediction, as long as you’re living in my house, under my roof; I say Stars in 7

Home Team listed first, All times EDT

Game 1: CAR v FLA – Tuesday, May 20 8pm

Game 2: CAR v FLA – Thursday, May 22 8pm

Game 3: FLA v CAR – Saturday, May 24 8pm

Game 4: FLA v CAR – Monday, May 26 8pm

*Game 5: CAR v FLA – Wednesday, May 28 8pm 

*Game 6: FLA v CAR – Friday, May 30 8pm

*Game 7: CAR v FLA  – Sunday, June 1 8pm

Home Team listed first. All times EDT

Game 1: DAL v EDM – Wednesday, May 21 8pm

Game 2: DAL v EDM – Friday, May 23 8pm

Game 3: EDM v DAL – Sunday, May 25 3pm

Game 4: EDM v DAL – Tuesday, May 27 8pm

*Game 5: DAL v EDM – Thursday, May 29 8pm

*Game 6: EDM v DAL – Saturday,  May 31 8pm

*Game 7: DAL v EDM – Monday, June 2 8pm

*if necessary

Here the first round matchups with my predictions with help from the predictions of a  Screaming Teenager at a Beatles Concert in 1964!

Montréal Victoire vs. Ottawa Charge

Montreal  chose Ottawa as their opponent. Have the Victorie taken the easy route to the finals or will the Charge make them regret it!?

My Prediction: Montreal in 4

Screaming Teenager at a Beatles Concert in 1964 Prediction: I LOVE YOU PAUL!  AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! RINGO LOOKED RIGHT AT ME! *hands on cheeks* RINGO LOOKED RIGHT AT ME! SCCRRRREEEEEEEEE! GEOOOOOORGE! AHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA! *grabs hair while shaking head* JOHN YOU’RE MY FAVORITE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MONTREAL IN 3!

Toronto Scepters vs Minnesota Frost

It’s a rematch of last year’s first round series in which the underdog ((newly christened) Frost beat  the (now named) Scepters on their way to winning the Walter Cup. We’ve got a Minnesota team looking for a repeat championship up against Toronto’s proud tradition of playoff hockey flops! Anything can and just might happen!

My Prediction:  Toronto in 3

Screaming Teenager at a Beatles Concert in 1964 Prediction: THEY’RE PLAYING YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THAT’S MY FAVORITE SONG AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *hands on cheeks* CAN’T BUY ME LOVE! IT’S CAN’T BUY ME LOVE! THAT’S MY ALL TIME FAVORITE!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEWEEEEEEEEAAAAA!!! *crying* I’M CRYING IT’S MY FAVORITE SONG  I WANNA HOLD YOU HAND! SREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEAAA! MINNESOTA IN 5! *swoons*

Home Teams listed first. All times EDT

Game 1: OTT – MIN (Tuesday, May 20 7pm)

Game 2: OTT – MIN (Thursday, May 22 7pm)

Game 3 MIN – OTT (Saturday, May 24 5pm)

*Game 4: MIN – OTT (Monday, May 26 5pm)

*Game 5: OTT – MIN (Wednesday May 28 7pm)

*if necessary