In the various explorations of 40k lore we have conducted here in the Schola Avocadem we have focused so far on the magical clone baby primarchs and some larger space marine chapter masters. Well today my friends I share the tale of the greatest hero the Imperium has ever seen, Ciaphas Cain. Ciaphas Cain was a commisar in the Astra Militarum, the normal human armies of the Imperium that make up the vast majority of their forces. Cain is one of the only commisars who will not just execute his own men (the main job of commisars). Cain is most famous for blundering his way into success. Cain started his career by joining an artillery unit to try to stay as far away from combat as possible. As they were overrun Cain stole a vehicle and tried to run away only to accidentally find a hidden flanking enemy force. His desperate fleeing from them led to the enemy being discovered and defeated earning Cain commendations for his “brave” actions.

Since then Cain’s legend only grew, leading him to ironically be assigned to more and more dangerous tasks that he desperately tried to avoid. Cain has defeated Ork warlords, Necron tomb worlds, cleansed space hulks, and avoided being seduced by a literal sorceress of the chaos god of seduction and excess. Cain was once court martialed for fleeing a battle but was acquitted because by leaving he found and stopped a chaos ritual and stopped that leading to his accuser being themselves court martialed for obstructing Cain’s duties but acquitted after Cain testified on their behalf. Cain has also fought zombies. I believe he has canonically slept with both an Astra Militarum general and an Inquisitor but those may be me misremembering.

Now, Cain is a genuine hero and did show actual bravery and clever thinking throughout his career. However, he openly admits that basically everything he did he did so reluctantly. In a universe full of glorious death, Cain kept his head down and survived. Except not really. After his military service Cain actually retired to teach other commisars until he passed away. He received a full honor military service and was laid to rest. However, due to Cain being listed as KIA multiple times during his exploits only to show up later there is rule within the departmento munitorum (the records keepers) that Cain is never to be listed as dead.

Rest in peace, long live, Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium.