Ok boils and ghouls, it’s time to to rejoice for I bring you good tidings of great joy: Hallmark has gifted us a movie about THE Santa Claus. None of this pussyfooting around where an old man with a white beard winks and we the audience go, “Ooooh, was that really Santa?” No, Hallmark has stopped being cowards and we’re getting St. Nicholas himself. And this time he’s got amnesia!

Kate North (Sustad) finds herself reluctantly taking over her father’s once acclaimed and now struggling Santa School. In the weeks leading up to Christmas and the school’s next session, Kate and her new co-worker Dan (Ayres) discover who they believe to be the real Santa Claus, lost and without his memories after his sled steered off course and crashed near the school. They decide to help him remember who he is by inviting him to participate in the intense Santa training program. There’s a lot at stake this year with Kate’s school needs to best the rival St. Nicholas School or be forced to close their doors, and Nick (Santa Claus) needs to remember who he is, or the fate of Christmas might be at stake. Starring Kimberley Sustad and Benjamin Ayres.

RECAP

Hallmark Heroine Kate is not happy to have worked her whole life in a Santa school that her father owns. She is offered a “manager job” at some unknown business, but unfortunately for her mental health, the business manager of her dad’s school doesn’t think they’re being capitalist enough and bails. Kate is automatically promoted to business manager.

Present day Kate and her sister drive to a coffee shop where they run into Dan, the hot shot Santa trainer of their rival school.

Kate and Dan appear to have a history. However, it didn’t pan out since Dan went to work for Kate’s superior competitor. She tells her almost-beau to get into his “overcompensation mobile” and kick rocks.

Kate and her sister meet their father who is trading in Santas for sandy beaches. It’s Florida time, baby. Kate is disappointed that her dad is going so far away. Mainly because she really doesn’t want to own a business she hates. 

Before peacing out, he tells Kate that he believes she has what it takes to finally beat the rival school at this year’s Christmas Cup. If she succeeds, it will help her students get those coveted “elite Santa jobs.” So going to Macy’s Day parades, rather than strip malls in Tampa.

Back at the rival school, Dan meets with his boss, the former business manager of Kate’s school. Dan gets fired.

The down on his luck Santa trainer visits Kate’s struggling business. He gives a fake emotional speech about his love for Christmas because dude needs a job. Kate finally relents after he tells her he can win the Christmas Cup.

The next day, Kate picks up Dan who brings a MUG of hot cocoa into her car. He is a monster.

They approach the disoriented Santa who doesn’t know what the hell is going on. The couple looks for the man’s car. Instead of a totaled Chevy Silverado, they stumble upon a group of reindeer attached to a sleigh. They swiftly fly away. That’s right. The old man is SANTA CLAUS.

Dan convinces Kate to not call the cops by reminding her of what happened to E.T. when someone called the authorities on him. They take Santa to their school in the hopes that doing “Santa activities” will jog his memory and save Christmas.

Kate’s Santa school is dying a pathetic death. Only seven students have enrolled, and they are all wacky. One is a hippy, one has a puppet, one is a woman, one is elderly, one is a nerd, one is actually Santa (who hasn’t paid tuition), and one is Paul Campbell of Hallmark Christmas movie fame.

Part of training involves an obstacle course meant to mimic the treachery of delivering Christmas gifts. Everyone trips and the woman wins.

Next, the Santas’ costumes are assessed. Paul is researching Santa stories for an upcoming role, so he pitches making Santa a handsome guy that wears a fashionable red suit and is a pet psychiatrist. We unfortunately don’t get to hear more about this storyline that Paul made up in his head.

As everyone struggles to do basic Santa things, Kate is terrified that the real Santa won’t remember who he is and that she’ll need to care for a confused immortal old man for the rest of her life. What she doesn’t know is that Santa is having spooky yet familiar visions every time he touches someone’s hands. Kate apparently runs Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.

Clearly ill-prepared, the ragtag group heads to the local mall to test their newly acquired Santa skills.

It’s a complete disaster. The film alludes to one of the guys getting Vietnam-style PTSD from the incident. Thankfully, the real Santa nails it. I feel bad for any of the kids who had to sit with the knock-off Santas.

But all is not well. Through his magic hand power, real Santa finds out that the mall owner wants to buy Kate’s business and convert her land into a mall. Actually, this is great news for Kate. She can finally get that “manager job” from 12 years ago.

The Santa students go for drinks to celebrate the bad time at the mall.

Kate has an epiphany and starts encouraging her students to embrace their puppet/hippy/old man/womanhood when it comes to their interpretation of St. Nick. Paul Campbell is finally allowed to make the pet psychiatrist Santa.

Kate and Dan decide they should start kissing. After making out a lot, they accidently spill the beans about the real Santa to Kate’s sister and the nerd. No questions are asked about this revelation because the bearded man is very charming and magical.

Even though they’ve made out, Kate and Dan have a little bump in their budding relationship. Kate is actually considering selling her business to the mall man. Dan is so disappointed that he calls an Uber to go home.

It’s the day of the big Christmas Cup. The only contestants are Kate’s school and her rivals. It’s actually a pretty small-time thing, so it’s a disappointing end to a big build up.

Ultimately, Kate’s team finally wins because they have a ringer in the actual Santa Claus. He finally remembers who he is because his wife shows up. The puppet gets a girlfriend, Paul Campbell gets to do a monologue from Romeo and Juliet, and the Christmas Cup jury accept a woman Santa. The judges appear to like the hippy’s tie dye wrapping paper, so I guess that’s his happy ending. We can only assume that the elderly man gains his family’s respect at some point.

Santa gives Kate tickets to Paris as thanks for helping him get his memory back. She decides not to sell the school.

The students (sans Paul), the now-less-evil owner of the rival business, Dan, and Kate’s family celebrate Christmas with a party in Kate’s house. Santa drops off a surprise gift telling Kate that she can use him as a cheat code for her school whenever she wants. The puppets kiss. FIN.

REVIEW

I’m very confused. This movie had…a stupid charm? I finally got my wish of having a magical Santa in a Hallmark movie. Yes, I know that there have been many magical Santas in Hallmarks even when there shouldn’t be (see: Chiefs movie), but this was actually about him! And no one gave a damn about the romance! It’s a Christmas miracle.

Maybe it’s the actress. She was in the second best Hallmark film (I will forever champion Hats Off to Christmas! as king), so maybe she’s got the magic touch. Dan was a weirdly suave yet earnest Santa trainer. It as though the writers mushed together the lumberjack archetype with the shitty boyfriend that a Hallmark Heroine dumps. And the couple jumped on each other to kiss at one point. These people have loins! Most Hallmarks have nary a loin in sight.

What a pleasant surprise this dumb children’s film was.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 E.T.’s

STRAY THOUGHTS

• I don’t understand Hallmark intros. Sometimes it’s a cheap Microsoft Office font against stock footage of a ski lodge while other times it’s a full-blown animation created specifically for the movie. Who decides what movie gets which?
• I almost completely skipped this film because 1) the name was boring and 2) the banner image looked boring. Good God, Hallmark, you’ve got an amnestic Santa and you undersell that??
• I think they created the title before writing the film. It’s a little too close to The Santa Clause.
• The main actress in this hasn’t aged. She looks the same as she did in The Nine Lives of Christmas and that was 10 years ago!
• Knowing Hallmark, Dan’s cocoa is mostly like a full cup of whipped cream.
• How many Santa students make for a healthy Santa school? Demand cannot be that high.
• Paul is LOVING this role. He is so happy.
• They reference Lucky Charms and Memento in this.
• Paul doesn’t get the role he was doing Santa research on. It’s given to another Hallmark guy.
• Dan’s family moved to Europe, so he’s all alone. One thing I’ve noticed about Hallmark movies is that if you’ve ever lived in Europe or have family in Europe, you are a sad and lonely person. Unless you’re a prince from a fake European country, Hallmark hates you.
• The moving box says “Living Room.”