I don’t know crap about football. Unless a player cuts into the pop culture mainstream through meme-ry or marrying/divorcing Gisele Bündchen, I don’t know who’s what. Anyway, I’m watching the football Hallmark movie about the Kansas City Chiefs.

Alana Higman is sure that her family’s lifelong history as Kansas City Chiefs superfans makes them a frontrunner to win the team’s “Fan of the Year” contest. Derrick, Director of Fan Engagement, is tasked with evaluating how Alana and her family stack up against the other two finalists. As the pair spends time together, it’s clear there’s a spark between them but when her grandfather’s vintage Chiefs good-luck winter hat goes missing, Alana begins to doubt everything she believed about fate, destiny and even questions her future with Derrick – unless, that is, a little Christmas magic can throw a Hail Mary. Starring Hunter King and Tyler Hynes.

I hope some players show up and give spectacular wooden deliveries of their lines.

RECAP

Alana tells us that her family (mom, dad, Grandpa A, Grandma A, Grandpa B, and DEAD GRANDMA B^TM) has been obsessed with the Kansas City Chiefs since the 60s. The Chiefs gave Hallmark all of their best stock footage for intro montage.

Alana’s family runs a Chiefs fan store and a diner. While trying to put up Christmas lights, Alana asks her parents and grandparents to be on their best behavior because someone special is coming to the shop. Everyone gets excited because they’re hoping Alana will finally not be single anymore. Alana partially disappoints them by saying that the visitor will be the Chief’s fan engagement director because they’re finalists for Fan of the Year!

Back at the Chiefs HQ, we meet Derrick, the new fan engagement director. All of his coworkers tease him for being a loner who never leaves the office but also doesn’t really understand the fan base. Is he good at his job or not? What is he doing in the office all day? His coworkers tell him to go into town, pretend to be a regular guy, and spy on the fans.

Derrick goes to a diner and is immediately set upon by Alana’s mom and Grandma A. They’re desperate for grandchildren/great-grandchildren. How else will the Chiefs continue their legacy if they don’t produce more fans?

To help the newcomer, they namedrop places to go in Kansas City as part of Hallmark’s contract to promote the city’s local tourism. Alana arrives and the ladies embarrass her by making her seem lonely and desperate.

Derrick leaves but somehow manages to run back into the family again. He cannot escape. Is Kansas City really small? Hallmark makes it seem really small.

The family cons Derrick into putting up their Christmas decorations. The poor man is forced to spend the rest of his day with this family.

He discovers they are a bit cultish when it comes to the Chiefs. Alana explains that they have a special hat that if worn by one of the family members on Christmas, the Chiefs get to the Super Bowl. The family is truly committed to this bit.

Derrick is skeptical and they regale their hostage with the story of how Grandpa B obtained the magic hat from a Salvation Army Santa who said that if worn on Christmas Day, the wearer’s wish will come true. Grandpa B wore it in 1970 and the Chiefs won the Super Bowl.

Unfortunately, the hat disappeared for 49 years until it conveniently resurfaced in 2019, in time for the other Chiefs Super Bowl games. Note that no one in the family wore the hat in 2021. The other rule is that the hat will only get the team to the Super Bowl; it’s up to the players to actually win.

Alana takes a little offense that Derrick doesn’t believe this story. The once warm family gives the man the cold shoulder for not having faith in a hat. They give him a bad fruitcake and don’t look him in the eye when he departs from their shop.

At Chiefs HQ, the fan engagement team is assigned finalists to evaluate. Derrick gets Alana’s unwell family.

He arrives the next day at their shop and the family continues to be incredibly rude to him. Alana tells him to step off because they’re waiting for the Chiefs rep that will crown them as winners. Derrick politely breaks the news.

Alana chews out this guy for doing his job. This is a bad tactic for winning the favor of the Chiefs. Derrick, a consummate professional, does not write them off for being unpleasant people and asks to see what makes them the top fan family.

After making the man feel bad for doing his job, he departs. The parents realize Alana is an idiot and has practically blown their chances. Later that evening, Alana talks to her mom and, apparently, the reason she yelled at Derrick was because she liked him?

Derrick is forced to spend more time with the family after telling HQ about the hat nonsense. Alana warms up to him.

Alana and her mom talk about the young woman’s bad luck at love and her laser focus on making their Chiefs gift shop into the best Chiefs gift shop in the world. They do a lot of telling and no showing. Then again, Alana has been a monster to Derrick, so I guess her “bad luck” is more down to her personality than the universe.

Derrick goes for a walk and runs into the family who is outside having cocoa. He strikes up a conversation with Alana and fake digital snow begins to fall. The Chiefs didn’t want to pay for a snow machine.

Derrick takes Alana to a Chiefs event where she wines and dines with Catrick Mahomes. She also meets a bunch of players.

The fan engagement department is arguing over who is going to win. The house, the cat, or the maniac family. We get treated to multiple cameos of Chiefs players. Trey Smith is not an actor.

Derrick is doing his best to woo Alana. He takes her to see the stadium while it’s empty. I guess stadium access is cheaper than a snow machine.

We learn that no one wore the hat in 2021 because Grandpa B was in the hospital. So, to any Chiefs fans out there, that’s why you didn’t win anything in 2021.

The newly minted couple bonds over calorific winter drinks, goofy festive pictures, and Christmas markets.

Derrick and Alana kiss again. This should disqualify the family from the fan competition. You can’t kiss Catrick like that!

The next day, the family watches a Chiefs game at their store. Watching your team play can be a stressful affair, but this family takes it to the next level as they have multiple superstitions that they engage in during every match. Derrick gets into it which completes his induction into this pathetic cult. The Chiefs lose which sends everyone into a tizzy.

Thankfully for them and unfortunately for me, Derrick calms them down by announcing that they have won the fan award.

The family celebrates their win by Derrick giving them two seats from the old stadium – the exact seats that Grandpa B and DEAD GRANDMA B^TM used to sit in. Is Derrick lovebombing Alana? It’s been two days. What is this shit? Alana gets Derrick a mug.

Alana mistakenly reveals that she and Derrick lost the hat while they were at a Chiefs toy drive. The family manages to hold back their rage and allows Alana to continue being their child.

While trying to comfort Alana after a day of no hat, Derrick tells her that what they have is real and innocently calls the hat silly. Alana goes bonkers and accuses him of never believing in the hat. If the hat isn’t real, then everything else in life is just a coincidence and nothing is meant to be! Alana’s worldview will be shattered if this hat isn’t the second coming of Christ.

“You have more faith in a hat than you do in me,” says Derrick despondently as sad music plays. The Director of Fan Engagement walks away. What we’ve just witnessed was a top-tier play where Derrick managed to flip Alana’s tantrum back on her.

The next day, Grandpa B soothes Alana by telling her that the Chiefs can win through skill alone and that the hat is actually not magic.

The hat also does not dictate whether she should date Derrick or not.

The family arrives at the stadium and tries their best to convince Alana to see Derrick again. She’s hesitant because she’s afraid that she looked like a lunatic the last time she met him. She is right. Alana’s parents and grandparents head into the stadium without her.

Derrick manages to yank Alana onto the field to accept the Fan of the Year award with her family.

Alana takes the mic and tells the full stadium that she lost the hat. Instead of being bumrushed by half drunk Chiefs fans, Alana is given time to make a speech about the magic of Christmas. The crowd cheers and pulls out replicas of the family’s hat from under their seats. This is thanks to Derrick who commissioned the production of over 75,000 special hats overnight.

The couple kisses. Yet SOMEHOW, they are still not disqualified. If I was that house or Catrick, I’d be suing. The family goes to their seats to watch the game while the crowd continues to cheer.

The Chiefs lose. FIN.

REVIEW

This was some serious cultish behavior. The family only accepted Derrick when he showed deference to the hat. He showered them with priceless gifts. And they gave him their only daughter in return. Yet it was all a mirage! They ultimately revealed that the hat was a false idol. Alana was the only true believer who was left confused when her worldview and reality weren’t aligning. I need a person knowledgeable on cults to watch this! Did Derrick deprogram Alana? Was he the real lord and savior of Christmas? I don’t know, but I hope they burn that hat and give Catrick his rightful dues.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Chiefs players who can’t act

STRAY THOUGHTS

• Alana’s family is made up of fun actors.
• Hallmark movies have a tendency of having their characters be cheap or free labor when it comes to doing Christmas activities.
• The family also loses a special ornament during this film, and they quickly find it again. They seem to misplace so much.
• Grandpa B calls Derrick the D-man.
• I’m not a cat person at all. But I really wanted Catrick to win.
• One of the standard Hallmark male leads appears as a waiter. I don’t know if this was a “wink wink” thing or he wanted some pocket change.
• God, I love watching athletes act.
• The family celebrates Christmas four days early.
• There is so much focus on this damn hat.
• The family turns down the founder’s box to sit in their nosebleed seats.
• I think they actually filmed the big fan award scene in the stadium. There are a few shots that look real. But I guess the Chiefs told Hallmark they only had 15 minutes to use their field, so the rest had to be green screen.
• I didn’t have anywhere to put this, but I really want to drive home how bad the green screen was.