NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY THE WASHINGTON POST
Greetings, America.
This weekend, after much self-reflection, The Washington Post has decided not to declare a number one movie at the box office this weekend. We expect that this will be spun negatively by some people (who are losers, by the way) as us somehow being cowardly, but we beg to differ. A healthy Hollywood box office requires for all parties involved to refuse to choose a side, and frankly, there is no way we can accurately report such things accurately anyway.
From lesser sources, you might read that Venom: The Last Dance topped the competition. However, those sources are cowards, unlike The Washington Post, and since we didn’t have access to count each theater’s individual grosses ourselves, we’re just going to throw our hat in the ring and say it’s just as possible that the Trump documentary The Man You Don’t Know was actually this weekend’s box office champ. Some of you might say this is an endorsement of that Trump documentary (which some lesser sources are saying is a 90 minute campaign ad, except this is one you have to pay for), but we say otherwise. And we are The Washington Post. What exactly have you done with your life? By the way, The Man You Don’t Know was directed by someone named “Martini.” We thought that was pretty funny.
Now we fully expect for some unhinged responses to this, including those saying that we have been reporting on the box office every week up until this point, so why stop now? We’d like to offer an indisputable rebuttal to such a claim: you imagined it. All of those reports you thought you read this year? Those were just dreams. Dreams you had about The Washington Post, which really says more about you than it does us.
Also Conclave opened.
We understand that some might be disappointed by our actions here, even to the point where they feel the need to cancel their longtime subscriptions to us. Well, we’ve got news for you. We don’t give a damn. Jeff Bezos owns us, and he thought it would be fun to run a newspaper. Ever heard of Amazon? It’s a pretty big deal. We’re going to be just fine.
Anyway, the top ten, via Deadline (NOTE THAT THE BRAVE WASHINGTON POST DOES NOT SUPPORT OR ENDORSE THESE NUMBERS)
- Venom: The Last Dance (Sony) 4,131 theaters, Fri $22M Sat $16.8M Sun $12.1M3-day $51M/Wk 1
- Smile 2 (Par) 3,624 (+5) theaters Fri $3M (-68%) Sat $3.8M Sun $2.5M 3-day $9.4M(-59%), Total $40.7M/Wk 2
- Conclave (Foc) 1,753 theaters, Fri $2.5M Sat $2.28M Sun $1.69M 3-day $6.5M/Wk 1
- The Wild Robot (DWA/Uni) 3,427 (-402) theaters, Fri $1.77M (-38%) Sat $2.89M Sun $1.8M 3-day $6.5M (-36%), Total $111.3M/Wk 5
- We Live in Time (A24) 2,924 (+1939) theaters, Fri $1.87M (+3%) Sat $1.68M Sun $1.2M 3-day $4.8M (+14%), Total $11.7M/Wk 3
- Terrifier 3 (Icon/Cinev) 2,720 (-42) theaters, Fri $1.4M (-53%) Sat $1.9M Sun $1.3M 3-day $4.77M (-49%), Total $44.5M/Wk 3
- Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (WB) 2,874 (-377) theaters, Fri $860K (-39%) Sat $1.4M Sun $945K 3-day $3.23M (-35%) Total $288.7M/Wk 8
- Anora (NEON) 34 theaters (+28) Fri $364KSat $271K Sun $231K 3-day $867K (+58%), Total $1.6M/Wk 2
- Piece by Piece (Foc) 1,298 (-575) theaters, Fri $190K (-68%) Sat $320K Sun $210K 3-day $720K (-65%), $8.8M/Wk 3
- Transformers One (Par) 1,422 (-747) theaters, Fri $177K (-65%) Sat $329K Sun $214K 3-day $720K (-64%) Total $57.9M/Wk 6