NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY SPECIAL GUEST COLUMNIST, JESUS CHRIST…
I’m not mad. Just disappointed.
Look, I’m not even bitter, okay? I knew I would have to lose my record someday. But to be beaten by a movie with that many naughty words? And with so many masturbation jokes? Don’t you know how much that makes the baby me cry?
Yes, Deadpool of Wolverine, in a matter of days, has beaten the entire domestic gross of The Passion of Myself. It is now the biggest R-rated movie of all time. I know, I know, it had the record for more than twenty years. And hey, that’s not even accounting for inflation! I have nothing, nothing to feel bad about.
But c’mon! It still made me feel special to have that slot! And I didn’t even particularly like the film. I mean, that was a very bad day for me! I don’t really enjoy reliving it. And I’ll be the first to say that Mel Gibson is a weirdo, and my body did not, in fact, have 10,000 gallons of blood in it like he would lead you to believe. Plus I didn’t get a single royalty from that thing. But it made me feel loved, and since I love all of you, then you should know what a special feeling that is.
Anyway, Marvel Jesus and Wolverine (ha, ha, very funny) has a current total of $395 million. It is going to surpass $500 million stateside and $1 billion worldwide with ease. Don’t worry, I’m not mad. It’s why my dad gave you free will (not his greatest decision, if I’m being honest). You know what else just keeps making cash? Inside Out 2. It is going to beat Barbie’s total domestic gross as it keeps climbing up that all-time chart. So you can stop saying Disney is working for the Devil, okay? You’re confusing them with Warner Bros. Discovery (Satan and Zaslav have drinks together regularly).
And speaking of Warner Bros., they had Trap this weekend, and it actually did pretty well. I mean, $15 million for a thriller about a serial killer? I’m a little troubled by that. I mean, “don’t kill” is one of my dad’s ten super important rules (half of which are about how much everyone should worship him above everything else, just in case you want a taste of what my childhood was like). Why do you humans keep giving M. Night Shyamalan money? You really are fickle creatures.
Meanwhile, Harold and the Purple Crayon was greeted like a drawing a kid makes on your bathroom wall. It brought in only $6 million. I guess the kids were too busy going to Despicable Me 4 instead (and no, my dad didn’t create the Minions, so quit asking!). Look, Zachary Levi, I like you. I’m not even holding you starring in Harold and the Purple Crayon against you. But, you know, you gotta stop hanging out with RFK Jr. That man is strange. Even JFK thinks so! He told me when we were playing chess last Thursday! So, stay away from the guy. And get your shots!
Our final newcomer of the week is something called The Firing Squad, which I have never heard of before, but it somehow made the top ten. Apparently it stars Kevin Sorbo, and…oh, no! NO, NO, NO, HECK NO! Not THIS again! STOP MAKING MOVIES ABOUT ME, KEVIN!
Anyway, the top ten, via Deadline
1.) Deadpool & Wolverine (Dis) 4,230 (+20) theaters, Fri $28.3M Sat $38.3M Sun $30.4M 3-day $97M(-54%), Total $395.5M/Wk 2
2.) Twisters (Uni/WB) 4,009 (-161) theaters, Fri $6.5M Sat $9.1M Sun $6.8M 3-day $22.6M (-35%), Total $195.5M/Wk 3
3.) Trap (WB) 3,181 theaters, Fri $6.7M Sat $5.1M Sun $3.8M 3-day $15.6M /Wk 1
4.) Despicable Me 4 (Uni) 3,369 (-241) theaters, Fri $3.3M Sat $4.3M Sun $3.5M 3-day $11.2M (-23%), Total $313.9M/Wk 5
5.) Inside Out 2 (Dis) 2,615 (-535) theaters Fri $2M (-23%) Sat $2.7M Sun $2M 3-day $6.7M (-22%) Total $626.8M/Wk 8
6.) Harold and the Purple Crayon (Sony) 3325 theaters, Fri $2.4M Sat $1.98M Sun $1.5M 3-day $6M/Wk 1
7.) Longlegs (NEON) 2,150 (-582) theatres, Fri $1.3M Sat $1.6M Sun $1.2M, 3-day $4.1M (-39%), Total $66.9M/Wk 4
8.) A Quiet Place: Day One (Par) 1,039 (-893) theaters, Fri $427K Sat $583K Sun $390K 3-day $1.4M (-55%), Total $137.4M/Wk 6
9.) The Firing Squad (Atlas) 803 theaters, Fri $330K Sat $330K Sun $250K 3-day $910K/Wk 1
10) Ponyo – Studio Ghibli Fest (Fath) Sat $250K, Sun $550K, 2-day $800K/Wk 1