NOTE: THE FOLLOWING “REVIEW” CONTAINS EXTREME SPOILERS FOR THE WATCHERS, SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

MINA is watching an Irish TV news story about trees and the environment, as people in Ireland do, when her Irish boss comes with a PARROT.

MINA’S BOSS: “Lass, my mate Matt Damon just bought a zoo and he needs a parrot. Can you deliver it to him? The drive should only take 16 hours.”
MINA: “Yeah, well, I don’t care about anything or anyone, so whatever. I’ll do it.”

She goes to her car with the parrot and looks it directly in the eye.

MINA: “Look, I don’t like anything or anyone, including you. My mom died 15 years ago, just so you know.”
PARROT: “Tweet!”
MINA: “I’m going to call you Darwin, after my favorite The Wild Thornberrys character.”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”

Mina is DRIVING when she gets a phone message from HER ESTRANGED SISTER.

MINA’S ESTRANGED SISTER: “Sister, you suck ass! You didn’t even show up for the ceremony we had for the 15th anniversary of mom’s death, and no, it’s not weird at all that we had one of those.”

MINA puts on a BLACK WIG and goes into a PUB. She talks with SOME HANDSOME LAD. She lies and tells him she’s a BALLERINA. They flirt a bit. That’s the scene. Huh.

MINA: “Sometimes I play pretend, okay? Don’t you dare fucking judge me!”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”

They drive DEEP INTO THE WOODS. Mina gets lost immediately and her car breaks down. Or maybe she crashed it. Honestly, I think my mind was wandering during this part. What matters is Mina has no car now.

MINA: “I feel like we’re being…WATCHED!”

MONSTERS appear and start chasing Mina and Darwin. They run until they find a CREEPY CABIN with a CREEPY OLD LADY.

CREEPY OLD LADY: “Are you eyeballing my lemon drink?”
MINA: “Wrong Shyamalan!”
CREEPY OLD LADY: “Damn. Um…I mean, come with me if you want to live! Inside!”

Inside the cabin are two young people who, apparently, live with the Creepy Old Lady.

CREEPY OLD LADY: “This is Ciara and Daniel. You pronounce ‘Ciara’ like “Keira Knightley,’ by the way, you dumb Americans! We’ve all been trapped here for the past several months, hiding from them.”
MINA: * showing no sign of alarm* “Who’s ‘them’?”
CREEPY OLD LADY: “We call them…THE WATCHERS! Also, we call me Madeline. Nice to meet you. Welcome to our eternal prison.”
MINA: * showing no sign of alarm * “Why can’t we leave?”
MADELINE: “Because the Watchers watch us. We stare at this giant mirror every night to entertain them. Also, we call this cabin THE COOP.”
MINA: * showing no sign of alarm * “So you’re telling me we have to spend the rest of our lives here?”
MADELINE: “Yes! If we obey The Watchers, they will protect us! Also, we call the person who built this cabin THE PROFESSOR!”
MINA: * showing no sign of alarm* “Oh.”
MADELINE: “And that is the bucket we all have to pee and poop in. We call it THE CRAPPENING.”
MINA: “FML.”

Madeline orders EVERYONE TO STAND PERFECTLY STILL in front of the GIANT ASS MIRROR.

MADELINE: “Just be yourself. That’s all the Watchers want.”
MINA: “I thought you said we have to hold still.”
WATCHERS: * off screen, roaring and applauding with approval over Mina doing nothing but hold still *
MADELINE: * placing hand to ear * “Listen! They’re applauding you!”
MINA: “Annnnnd we have a trailer.”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”
WATCHER #1: “Hey, get in here! They have a new character on The Coop!”
WATCHER #2: “NO SPOILERS! I haven’t seen last night’s episode yet!”
WATCHER #3: “They’d better not be making it woke…”

The next day arrives, I guess. Madeline gives everyone directions, I think. I dunno. I was starting to wish I had gone to The Strangers instead or something at this point. Anyway, Mina wants to LEAVE.

MINA: “That old lady is crazy! Run away with me, Darwin!”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”
MINA: “Good boy.”
CIARA: “You can’t leave, Mina. My husband tried to at the start of the movie and he never returned!”
MINA: “That was your husband? Sorry. I was still trying to find the Nerds Rope I smuggled into the theater um I mean that I totally bought for nine dollars at the concession stand during that part.”

Ciara takes Mina to a SCARY MONSTER PIT.

CIARA: “This is where they sleep. At night, they come out and watch us. But they can’t stand the sun.”
MINA: “Why do they waste time watching random human beings? Who would get entertainment out of that?”
CIARA: “When we get back, we can watch the only DVD we have in the cabin: a reality TV series!”
MINA: “Subtle.”

They go home for another night of WATCHING. First they WATCH the cringe reality TV series and then the WATCHERS watch them doing absolutely nothing. Riveting stuff.

MINA: “Come with me, Daniel. I know you want to find out what the Watchers look like. Let’s go meet one!”
DANIEL: “Pip, pip! I don’t think Madeline would like that, lass. I’m not supposed to be out past my bedtime.”
MINA: “Please?”
DANIEL: “Okay.”

They go to the SCARY PIT. Mina finds a CAMCORDER. As in a VIDEO CAMERA. Used to take VIDEOS. I am not talking about a cell phone. People used to have actual video cameras to take videos! I’m not old!

MADELINE: “Where did you get that shit?”
MINA: “Nowhere.”
MADELINE: “Don’t lie to me. I know your heart. You are hateful and full of anger! You made Daniel go to the pit, didn’t you?”
MINA: “I mean, Ciara already took me there earlier, but…”
CIARA: “Why did you go there, Mina? And why did you force poor Daniel?”
DANIEL: “She didn’t make me…”
MADELINE: “I don’t blame Daniel, I blame Mina! Daniel has a good heart, but he is stupid!”
DANIEL: “Pip?”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”

Mina is about to tell Madeline and Ciara how much they SUCK when suddenly there is a KNOCK AT THE CABIN.

MINA: * showing no sign of alarm * “Who is that?”
MADELINE: “It’s the Watchers, you dipshit! We broke their rules and now they are pissed!”
MINA: * showing no sign of alarm * “How do we know it’s them?”
VOICE AT THE DOOR: “Please let me in! I’m your husband!”
CIARA: “It’s my husband! He’s alive!”
MADELINE: “No, it isn’t! Your husband is dead! This is them playing tricks! You know it to be true!”
CIARA: “But it might be my husband. We have to check. I love him. Can’t you tell by the mild urgency in my voice?”
MINA: “I’m starting to think this isn’t actually a horror movie.”

Everyone suddenly remembers they are in a HORROR MOVIE and starts acting SCARED. The banging on the door gets LOUDER.

MADELINE: “Ask the voice something only your husband would know.”
CIARA: “Um…what book did you get me at the book fair that one time?”
VOICE AT THE DOOR: “LET ME IN! CREATURES ARE COMING TO KILL ME! HELP!”
CIARA: “That wasn’t the title of the book.”
MINA: “Let’s check the TV. I hooked the camera up to it outside so WE can be the ones WATCHING THE WATCHERS for a change.”

They do. CIARA’S HUSBAND shows up on the TV before he is CARRIED OFF TO WATCH HELL.

CIARA: “No. They took my husband away. He’s dead for sure now. I hate you so much, Madeline. I’ll never get over this. I might even raise my voice slightly!”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”

MONTHS pass. It starts SNOWING. Daniel decides it is time for someone in the film to go crazy.

DANIEL: “Pip, pip! I guess I’m insane now. I have tied Madeline up because I’m tired of obeying her stupid rules. Pip, pip!”
MINA: “In fairness, that’s not a terrible idea.”
DANIEL AND CIARA: * go inside and nail the door shut with wooden planks *
MINA: “Well fuck.”

The Watchers SHOW UP. Daniel and Ciara try to amuse them with their version of the Aristocrats joke, but the Watchers are very upset that it’s not their favorite “holding still” routine, so they…leave to go and look for Mina and Madeline? I think?

MINA: “Daniel, I think I might be evil! I killed my mom! I was with her in the car where she was going for a drive 15 years ago just before she died. Don’t be like me, Daniel!”

Daniel, having heard that Mina has possibly committed MATRICIDE, chills out and lets everyone back in.

DANIEL: “Awwwww, I love you guys! Pip, pip!”

The Watchers RETURN. They are NOT happy about the fake-out in tonight’s episode and begin BANGING ON ALL THE WALLS.

MINA: “Look! A rug! Let’s see what’s under it!”
CIARA: “Have you ever noticed this rug before?”
MINA: “No.”

I suppressed the urge to scream at the screen here. No, seriously. You have no fucking idea how hard that was. There were only two other people in the theater. I doubt I would have gotten in trouble. Anyway, everyone goes under the rug and finds a SECRET BUNKER.

DANIEL: “The Professor built this.”
MINA: “Okay, fine, I’ll bite. Who the fuck is The Professor?”

They find a COMPUTER. Which is still PLUGGED IN. They have that, but not a TOILET. Just think about that for a second. Mina turns it on and finds 10,000 VIDEO FILES.

THE PROFESSOR: “Top of the morning. For years, I’ve been researching these creatures, but those sober-ass loser shits at the university won’t believe me. I am going to prove them wrong. Life is good! Pip, pip!”

DANIEL: “He seems nice.”

Mina opens ANOTHER FILE and finds the Professor miserable, distraught, and chugging down whisky. In a better movie this performance would be called OSCAR BAIT.

THE PROFESSOR: “In the pursuit of knowledge, I have had to make…terrible sacrifices. I have been hiring working class lads to build my research cabin for me before I let the creatures eat them at night. Is this supposed to be social commentary? I’m so confused.”

DANIEL: * sad pip noises *

MINA skips hundreds of files that might have important information and goes straight to the last one.

THE PROFESSOR: “I am afraid…I have gone too far in the pursuit of knowledge. These Watchers, they study us so they can become human. They hate us cuz they ain’t us. They can turn into perfect replicas, including the one I have captured upstairs, which I am going to go destroy. There’s a boat if you guys want it. Please, go to the university and destroy all of my research. Sometimes, knowing isn’t half the battle.”

He leaves the camera running as he goes off to KILL the creature, but the creature KILLS HIM BACK.

MINA: “Wait, if he died, then who saved that video file?”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”
CIARA: “I guess this at least means we can leave, right?”
MINA: “Yes. And Darwin can find the boat for us!”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”

Everyone LEAVES the next day, and by the way, I am not kidding about Mina letting the parrot “lead the way” during their escape. Do parrots have tracking skills I’m not aware of? I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that from Disney Channel’s Amazing Animals as a kid. Great show. Anyway, they walk by a Spirit of Halloween and Madeline stops the gang in their tracks.

MADELINE: “Ah, yes! This is the tomb of the fairies! Centuries ago, Man and Fairy lived in perfect harmony…”
MINA: “Oh, no, what are you doing?”
MADELINE: “But Man was crafty. They didn’t trust the magic of the Fairies! So they betrayed the truce…”
MINA: “I don’t think we have time for this.”
MADELINE: “And so they clipped the fairies of their wings, and trapped them in this cave, leaving them to die.”

The Watchers grow impatient with Madeline’s folklore and ATTACK. Everyone walks briskly to get away, but Daniel isn’t so lucky.

DANIEL: “AHHHH! HELP ME! PIP, PIP!”
MADELINE: “There’s no time! He’s done for! Everyone get in the boat!”
MINA: “I’m not exaggerating when I say he’s only like ten feet away from us…”
MADELINE: “No time! In the boat! Now!”
CIARA: “Couldn’t we save him if we just grabbed him by his adorable little arm?”
MADELINE: “Move! Farewell, Daniel!”

They get in the boat as the Watcher checks his Twitter, folds some laundry, buys a cup of coffee, binges some episodes of The Boys, and then, eventually, realizes he’s supposed to kill Daniel, who pips his last pip.

MADELINE: “There was nothing we could do.”
MINA: “I’m bummed out. He was the only character who was actually kind of likable.”
DARWIN: “Tweet?”
MINA: “Except for you, Darwin.”
DARWIN: “Tweet!”

Suddenly all of the WATCHERS turn into HUMANS. They roar their terrible roars, and they growl their terrible growls, but they can’t swim, apparently, so they just stand there, ominously glaring at the boat as it sails out of their sight.

ANNOUNCER: “THE WATCHERS premieres on The CW this fall!”

THE END

JUST KIDDING

MINA: “How the hell are there twenty minutes left?”
CIARA: “I guess you could fulfil the Professor’s wishes and go to the university, because epilogue.”

Mina goes to the university. She LIES and claims she’s the PROFESSOR’S NIECE, which his STUPID SECRETARY believes, because epilogue.

STUPID SECRETARY: “It’s an honor to meet you! Everything here is yours as far as I’m concerned! Do as you like, but don’t burn up his life’s work, okay?”
MINA: * holding box of matches and can of gasoline * “Sure.”

She leaves Mina alone and…look, I’m just gonna skip here, okay? You’re already probably sick of reading this if you’ve even made it this far. Anyway, there’s lots of fairy lore, since this film is about fairies now, and then Mina learns a SHOCKING secret.

MINA: “What a shocking secret. I must go tell Ciara, because epilogue.”

She goes to CIARA’S HOUSE, which looks quite nice, actually.

MINA: “I’ve learned a terrible plot twist! I was looking through the Professor’s photos, and I found these pictures of his WIFE. His wife who is DEAD. His wife who looks EXACTLY LIKE MADELINE!”
CIARA: “And?”
MINA: “Don’t you hear what I’m telling you? Madeline is…A WATCHER!”
CIARA: “That…doesn’t make sense. Madeline can’t be a Watcher because Watchers can’t go out in the sun.”
MINA: “She must have found a way.”
CIARA: “Then you know too much. You must…die!”
MINA: “You! You’re not Ciara! You’re one of the Kung Fu Watchers on the Rampage, too!”

Only the most sophisticated people reading this will appreciate that reference. Also, Ciara transforms into MADELINE before transforming into CIARA again before transforming into DANIEL before transforming into CIARA’S HUSBAND before transforming into DARWIN before transforming into KURT RUSSELL before transforming back into MADELINE who turns into A DARK CRYSTAL VILLAIN which I guess is also a WATCHER.

MADELINE: “For years, I was ridiculed by my own kind! ‘The Daywalker’ is what they called me! I knew I had to get away, to find a way to become a human…”
MINA: “Oh, no, not again…”
MADELINE: “So I sought out The Professor! I let him study me so I could study him! But he locked me in a cage. I traded one jail for another. I thought if I turned into his dead wife he might respect me, love me, but instead…”
MINA: “Oh, so you’re the one who saved the video file.”
MADELINE: “What?”

Mina seizes the opportunity and pounces on Madeline. They both FIGHT, until the REAL CIARA (I think?) shows up at her house.

MADELINE: “Now I have to kill both of you!”
MINA: “No, you don’t! Because you are, um, uh, part human! Yeah, that’s it!”
MADELINE: “Curses! My revenge has been foiled by the power of love! But I’ll always be…WATCHING YOU!”

Madeline GROWS WINGS and flies off.

MINA: “Um…I guess I won?”

Mina goes back to her ESTRANGED SISTER. They talk about their mom, who died 16 years ago (it’s been a while). We learn that Madeline is WATCHING Mina and Mina is WATCHING Madeline and you the audience are WATCHING them in a never-ending cycle of WATCHING.

MINA: * lighting up a cigarette* “I wonder who the real Watchers are…”