NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY SPECIAL GUEST COLUMNIST, THE GRIMACE

Duuuhhhhh.

Today, I am here to inform you all that I am outraged over this weekend’s number one movie, IF. The schmucks who made this thing decided that they could take my OBVIOUS likeness without my consent and use in their film about imaginary friends. Look at Steve Carrell here. LOOK AT HIM! This is clearly and blatantly and factually and formally and appallingly ILLEGAL! And your boy Grimace is NOT going to stand for it!

So anyway, moviegoers without a hint of dignity made IF into a hit. Kind of. I guess it wasn’t as big as some people imagined, since it made $35 million. Some were expecting this abomination to make as much as $70 million! I’ve got news for you hacks: if you want your film to make THAT kind of money, get a McDonald’s Happy Meal promotion instead of an IHOP menu. But I bet the guys at Paramount were scared to do that, since they knew they would have to get past me first! Imagine what I could have done to them if I still had my four arms!

The “good news” for this violation of my Grimace rights is that next weekend is Memorial Day, so if it underperformed now, it will probably still do well, even when it goes against The Garfield Movie. This is why I am not sorry at to inform you I am SUING Paramount Pictures for using my likeness without asking! As soon as I hire a McLawyer, I’m going to take them to the dumpster! I will not rest until I get my fair financial compensation! That is why I will be demanding a settlement of no less than 1,000 McDonald’s shakes from them (and maybe some fries. I’m hungry!). Buckle up, Ryan Reynolds! I hope those Deadpool paychecks have been good, because Grimace is about to take you to the cleaners! I will not go quietly into the night! I have a voice! (Even if it did go missing that one time…)

In other news, The Strangers: Chapter One opened this weekend, and made like McDouble what it was expected to. I am confused by this movie. Is it a prequel? The trailer promised I could “discover how the strangers became the strangers,” but what does that even mean? Is it about how they became friends? Oh wait, then they wouldn’t be friends anymore, they would be friends. Now I’m more confused. I remember watching The Strangers way back in 2008 and zoning out once I realized the couple being terrorized was never going to order take-out from McDonald’s. Anyway, The Strangers: They Don’t Go to McDonald’s in This One Either pulled in $11.5 million, which is good since it had like the production budget of a Big Mac, and for some reason, there are two more of these on the way. Cool, I guess.

Rounding out the newcomers, we have Back to Black. At first I thought this was a sequel to Walk the Line, but it isn’t. It made only $2.8 million. Also, something called The Blue Angels opened in IMAX and did well enough to land in the top ten. At first, I thought this was a remake of that depressing old German film, but it’s actually about airplanes. I like airplanes. Especially when they are delivering delicious McDonald’s shakes.

Anyway, the top ten, via The Numbers