Godzilla’s Revenge–aka All Monsters Attack aka Godzilla Minus Plot–is widely considered to be the worst Godzilla movie. Now, under most circumstances given my reputation around these parts, this would be the part where I say “well, it really isn’t,” but not in this case. No. Godzilla’s Revenge truly is the worst Godzilla flick (or maybe not; I haven’t watched Godzilla Vs. the Smog Monster or Godzilla 1985 yet, so what do I know?), so of course it’s the one I’m doing a header on, and of course I’ve watched it twice.

What makes Godzilla’s Revenge so infamous? Well, for one thing, it was deliberately made for little kids. It tells the story of some boy who is friends with a toymaker (or something) and isn’t popular at school, so he has dreams about Godzilla and meets up with the Son of Godzilla, who can fucking talk now. Also, he encounters wanted robbers, and then it kind of turns into Home Alone if it were a Godzilla movie, except it’s not nearly as awesome as that sounds.

But the real kicker, in addition to the stupid kid crap, is that Godzilla’s Revenge is essentially a cinematic clip show. Much of the runtime consists of the boy and the Son of Godzilla (I’m refuse to use his name!) just sitting around watching Godzilla face off against various monsters on Monster Island, and almost all of the fights are taken from previous movies. What saves this from being completely redundant is that in the American version, there’s a smooth jazz score, which is hilarious coming from a Godzilla picture. Like it makes me imagine Godzilla smoking a cigarette, but in a sexy Sean Connery way.

And talking of the American version, there really aren’t too many differences between Godzilla’s Revenge and All Monsters Attack. This isn’t a case of Hollywood taking a Japanese masterpiece and butchering it. No. Both cuts suck equally. The only real notable changes are the omission of an opening monologue by the boy about how Japan has too much pollution, and the voice of the Son of Godzilla. In Japanese, he sounds like an old woman. In English, he talks like Disney’s Goofy. Either way, he’s a little piece of shit. And I mean that literally. Like he actually looks like a living turd. Heck, Night of the Living Turd would have been a more accurate name for this.

For let it be said that Godzilla’s Revenge does not, in fact, feature Godzilla getting any revenge, nor does All Monsters Attack include all monsters attacking. Again, most of the kaiju scenes take place in the boy’s fucking dreams, and again, they are largely just recycled from older films. But the deception doesn’t end there. The marketing outright lied, with trailers and posters promising an army of vengeful creatures out to conquer the planet as a means to lure unsuspecting audiences in before giving them “a very special episode of The Children’s Hour Starring Godzilla” instead. Hey, if I can’t except quality from a double feature of Godzilla’s Revenge and something called Island of the Burning Damned, then where can I find it?

Get your revenge tonight, y’all!