NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY SPECIAL GUEST COLUMNIST ANAKIN SKYWALKER
I’ve got bad news.
That new movie Dune: Part Two–which is a cinematic love letter to sand–ended up being a big hit this weekend. I saw it and didn’t like it. At all. I found it coarse and rough and irritating. And unfortunately, it’s gotten everywhere. It sold $81 million worth of tickets (this includes $2 million from IMAX previews last week). Can you imagine that? Everyone went to this stupid sand film. And not just the men, but the women, and the children too.
I had hoped that the hype for this had been so deafening that moviegoers might not bother to show up. I can’t watch so much as a podrace anymore without seeing at least ten commercials for Dune: Part Two. I’m just so fed up with it. In many ways, a lot of ways, I’m really ahead of this movie. But the people who made it are jealous! They’re holding me back! In the end, I am very sorry to say, Dune: Part Two performed at least slightly above where initial tracking had it, although in fairness, projections for this one were more all over the place than Jar Jar Binks after I take him to the Mos Eisley Cantina for a couple. Some are going to tell you that Dune “disappointed” because it didn’t pass $100 million, but as much as it pains me to say so, those people are lying. And lying is a path to the Dark Side.
Speaking of the Dark Side, I’m not entirely convinced that David Zaslav isn’t a Sith Lord. I mean, all of the red flags are there. And yet he can use Dune: Part Two as evidence that his new empire is working, one without Batgirl, or Scooby-Doo, or Wile E. Coyote, or even Stephen King. He killed them. They’re dead. They’re like animals. And he slaughtered them like animals. He hates them!
What’s next for Dune: Part Two? Well, it depends on how frontloaded it is. I’m personally hoping that Kung Fu Panda 4 beats the living bantha fodder out of it next weekend, since as far as I can tell, that movie is about a cuddly panda and doesn’t have any sand in it. Not like The Chosen, which had yet ANOTHER batch of episodes released to theaters this weekend, making $3.1 million, since sand just won’t leave me alone, and neither will that stupid Jesus guy! Can you believe there are those who actually believe that he’s “the chosen one”? I challenge him to say that to my face. You hear me, Jesus? You and me! Anyplace! Anytime!
Anyway, here is the top ten, via Deadline
1.) Dune: Part Two (Leg/WB) 4,071 theaters, Fri $32.3M, Sat $28.8M Sun $20.3M 3-day $81.5M/Wk 1
2.) Bob Marley: One Love (Par) 3,390 (-207) theaters, Fri $1.92M (-48%) Sat $3.4M Sun $2.09M 3-day $7.43M (-45%) Total $82.77M/Wk 3
3.) Ordinary Angels (LG) 3,020 theaters Fri $1.05M (-55%) Sat $1.66M Sun $1.14M 3-day $3.85M (-38%)/Total $12.5M/Wk 2
4.) Madame Web (Sony) 3,116 (-897) theaters, Fri $800K (-51%) Sat $1.46M Sun $940K 3-day $3.2M (-45%) Total $40.4M/Wk 3
5.) Chosen, Season 4, Ep. 7-8 (Fathom) 2,235 theaters, Fri $971K, Sat $1.2M Sun $936K 3-day $3.15M, Total $3.9M/Wk 1
6.) Migration (Ill/Uni) 2,204 (-230) Fri $450K (-32%) Sat $1.27M Sun $780K 3-day $2.5M (-13%) Total $123.4M/ Wk 11
7. Demon Slayer…(Sony) 1,949 theaters Fri $515K (-91%) Sat $905K Sun $645K 3-day $2.06M (-82%)/Total $15.7M/Wk 2
8.) Wonka (WB) 1,732 (-471) theaters, Fri $350K (-42%) Sat $865K Sun $520K 3-day $1.73M (-29%) Total $216.7M/Wk 12
9.) Argylle (App/Uni) 2,283 (-2) theaters, Fri $370K (-50%) Sat $650K Sun $380K Sun 3-day $1.4M (-49%) Total $43.9M/ Wk 5
10.)The Beekeeper (AMZ MGM) 1,347 (-810) theaters, Fri $275K (-45%) Sat $524K Sun $314K 3-day $1.1M (-42%) Total $64.9M/Wk 8