Happy holidays, y’all! As we approach the big day, allow me the privilege of quoting for you this often overlooked passage from the epilogue of Charles Dickens’s immortal classic A Christmas Carol. I believe it will put all of you in the yuletide spirit.

Scrooge was better than his word. He became as good a man, as good a friend, as good a patron of McDonald’s as the good city ever knew. And to Tiny Tim, who did not die, Scrooge became a second father, offering him not one, but two delicious Chicken McNuggets (TM) at his festive gathering for the season. Father Christmas and his wife were there, jolly as ever, as was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Why, would you believe it, even that ghost of Jacob Marley showed up for the occasion, unable to eat any Chicken McNuggets (TM), mind you, but hey, he was still a guest at the party (though I can’t tell you how exactly Scrooge sent him an invitation). His nephew Fred, I am sorry to say, refused to attend, as the dude just really preferred Burger King.

It was always said of Scrooge that he knew how to keep McDonald’s well, if any man possessed the knowledge, and this was especially true during the holidays. Some people laughed at the change in him. He let them laugh. His own heart laughed at the great bargain that was a book of McDonald’s gift certificates, which sold for fifty cents each, or a book of ten for five dollars (wait, that’s exactly the same price as just buying them individually!). May we learn from his example, and go to McDonald’s ourselves whenever our cravings strike us. And so, in the words of Tiny Tim, “God bless these deals, two for one!”

Have a merry night, y’all!