“I live again! HA, HA, HA, HA! WINTERBOLT LIVES!!
Welcome, foolish mortals. My name is Winterbolt. King Winterbolt! And soon, you fools, I shall enslave all of you. I have an evil plan which can not fail.
You see, I woke up after being asleep for a really fucking long time. I used to be the King of the North (not like that Jon Snow guy, he knows nothing). Then Lady Galadriel comes at me like a girl boss and puts me to sleep for, I don’t know, a hundred years? Or maybe it was just five. Who is the President right now? Oh wait, that doesn’t matter, because I will soon RULE ALL OF YOU!!!
You see, I became aware of this man who looked to be a king. There can be no king, save me! He’s like this old fart who makes toys and laughs as he does so. Gives me the creeps. Anyway, I have been informed by a reputable source (my Ice Genie, which is better than Google and ChatGPT or whatever, by the way) that this ‘Santa Claus’ has the love of the entire planet because he gives every child a toy every Christmas. Well, I bet Santa isn’t counting on me giving the brats TWICE as many toys! Then they will love me more. They will become lazy, and dependent on me, and I will rule them all! The whole world will become my own personal snowball!
I just have one problem. This RUDOPLH, this RED-NOSED REINDEER. Seems he foiled my diabolical plot to get rid of Santa using a snowstorm. He has this magical nose which will glow so long as he doesn’t ever use it for an evil purpose. So at first I’m like, ‘well, why don’t I get him to use his nose to buy Twitter?’ HA! That was some topical humor for you. Now, where was I? Oh right! My evil plan!
Now, hear me out on this. I know some of you fools will say ‘Winterbolt, dude, that sounds needlessly complicated. Why not just kill Rudolph? Better yet, why do you even care about Rudolph? Why do you even care about Santa?’ All nonsense I have heard from my therapist a million times. Besides, once you see the brilliance of my plot, you will no longer question me…
There’s this guy. He delivers ice cream to the North Pole. No, wait, he actually picks it up from there. Guess the guy is too lazy to buy a freezer. Anyway, this guy keeps his ice cream at the North Pole so it will stay cold during the summer (again, too lazy to buy a freezer, or maybe he just hasn’t heard of them?), and he’s in love with this girl from the circus. The circus is in financial trouble, probably because no one goes to circuses anymore. I believe the wokesters say they aren’t ‘politically correct’ with their treatment of animals? Never mind. What matters is the circus will be bought by a crook if it doesn’t make enough money from its annual Fourth of July show (that’s today, by the way). And if that happens, this girl and this ice cream guy will never get together.
Now as I’m sure you can see, this provides me with EVERYTHING I need to get rid of Rudolph forever. I just used my dark magic to insert an idea into the ice cream man’s head to bring Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman here to ensure their circus makes good money today. I then…wait, hang on, I CAN INSERT IDEAS INSIDE OF PEOPLE’S MINDS! WELL, FUCK! WHY DIDN’T I JUST TELL THE ICE CREAM MAN TO KILL RUDOPLH THEN? OR WHY HAVEN’T I USED IT TO JUST TELL RUDOPLH TO ROB A BANK OR SOME EVIL CRAP LIKE THAT? WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?
Excuse me. I need to…rethink my life. Maybe come up with a new evil goal. Snowman army? Sure, that could work. Have a miserable Fourth of July, you fools!”