The Night Thread slot was open tonight, and since none of you took it in time to stop me from doing so, here are Ten Totally Serious Reasons Quest for Camelot is Awesome!!!

10. It’s (Probably) Better than 2004’s King Arthur
I don’t really recall much about this movie, other than it being sort of confusing and pretty fucking violent for a PG-13. Also, I think I only went because it had Keira Knightley in it, and she might have been tattooed and also had a bow and arrow. I was 17 at the time. Bite me. But I do know that it didn’t have a guy who created a mechanical army with pride, so that makes Quest for Camelot better by default.

9. It (Probably) Saved Gary Oldman’s Career
Weeks before Quest for Camelot opened, Lost in Space came out. It got criticized for having Gary Oldman playing an obviously evil, over-the-top villain. This could have been the end of Oldman’s career as we knew it, but fortunately, in Quest for Camelot, he proved the naysayers wrong by playing an obviously evil, over-the-top villain. The rest, as they say, is history.

8. It’s (Probably) Better than First Knight
Look, it’s not that I don’t find Richard Gere dreamy. Of course he’s dreamy. But when I think of Richard Gere, I think of him chasing runaway brides. I don’t think of fucking Lancelot. Also, yes, this movie does have James Bond as King Arthur, but so does Quest for Camelot, so that evens things out.

7. It Doesn’t Include “The Scuttlebutt”
At no point during Quest for Camelot does Awkwafina do any rapping. This makes the movie an automatic 10/10 for me.

6. It’s (Probably) Better than Excalibur Rising (which is sometimes called King Arthur: Excalibur Rising)
Look, I’ve never seen Excalibur Rising. I hadn’t even heard of it until today. But after watching the trailer for it, I already know Quest for Camelot is better. Also, I’m not joking here. Seriously, watch that trailer and tell me you’re not wanting to laugh your ass off at “screaming Gandalf Merlin.”

5. It’s a G-rated Movie which has an Incest Joke
“Frankly, we’re the reason cousins shouldn’t marry.” That’s actually pretty funny.

4. It (Probably) Saved Jaleel White’s Reputation
Think about it. Prior to Quest for Camelot, Jaleel White was best known as the guy who ruined Family Matters. Now he’s best known as the dude who voiced Bladebeak the Axe Chicken in Quest for Camelot. I’m sure he’s grateful for that.

3. It’s (Probably) Better than The Sword in the Stone
I like The Sword in the Stone. It’s a good movie. But the only part most people remember from it is the big fight with Mad Madame Mim and Merlin, and Merlin beating Mim by turning into a virus and giving her COVID-19 feels really tasteless now.

2. It (Probably) Rescued Celine Dion’s Career from Certain Doom
Imagine you’re Celine Dion in early 1998. All anyone wants you to do anymore is perform that fucking song from Titanic, and you’re sick of it! You might stop singing forever if they don’t start giving you another request! Along comes “The Prayer” from Quest for Camelot, and Celine Dion could rest easy again. Now she has two songs that people won’t stop asking her to do.

1. The Man, the Myth, the Legend: Ruber!
Come on. What else was going to make number one on this list?

Have a great night, y’all!