“Hi. I’m Harry the Easter Bunny. Would you like to hear a great story about a bunny? Well, see, a few days ago, ya might have seen an OT centered around someone who called himself ‘The Spring Bunny.’ I would like to clarify that I am NOT him. He is a soulless phony with no standards who tries to make money off of my good name. Because I AM the Easter Bunny, unlike that guy.

Now, where was I going with this? Oh right! Money! Oh, wait, I mean, stories about bunnies that I can tell you. Well, I’d love to tell you some nice stories about me celebrating Easter and painting eggs and evading the IRS for felony tax evasion, but you see, I need your help first. I need your money! Um, no, I mean I need your phone calls…which cost money. But let me explain myself. I know these kinds of hotlines have a bad reputation, with claims that they take advantage of dumb kids or some nonsense like that. And there is some truth in that–that damn ‘Spring Bunny’ has done so much to soil my good name, and all of the good that these hotlines can do.

What I’m saying is I WANT YOUR MONEY! Um, no, not quite that way. See, as an Easter Bunny, I care greatly about giving my money away to a good cause. Let’s say, I don’t know, Special Olympics? They’re good, right? Alright then. Let’s say if you call me and give me your money, I will give a portion of that money to Special Olympics. And no, I am not saying how much, for bunny reasons. Just be reassured that SOME of your money is going to that cause. Because that’s really why I’m doing this. For my love of wanting to help out in causes my bunny heart can get behind. That’s why some of your money will be going to The Boys & Girls Club! Oh, wait, no, that’s not the charity I said earlier. I meant Special Olympics! Yes, that’s where your bunny money will go.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to painting large pictures of eggs, which is what I do when I’m not counting up all of the money you dumb little brats are giving me. Um, I mean, have a HOPPY night!”