So I recently stumbled upon a trove of Onion headlines that I whipped up 4-5 years ago when they had open applications. A few were pretty dumb but the rest are perfectly cromulent. Read through, pick one you like, and then tweet it to your thousands of followers as if you wrote it yourself.

Rice University Rewards Each Incoming Freshman With Complimentary Oil Field

Area Uncle Surprised Nephews and Nieces Underestimated His Racism

Nation’s Summer Camps Bracing For Record Low Levels of Teen Horniness

Apple Privacy Division Assures Nation Their Dick Pics Are Safer Than Ever

Lower-class Kid Treated To First Ever Hot Breakfast After Mom Crashes RV Into Hilton Head Denny’s

Area Mom Budgets For Son Stealing Credit Card To Buy Porn

Area Man Decides To Get That Toe Thing Checked Out

Car Salesman Finds Thing In Common With Customer

Child Psychologist Summoned After Middle Schooler Sorted Into Hufflepuff

Wells Fargo To Just Start Mugging People For Their Wallets On The Street

Strip Club Fined For Emptying Shame Tank Into Local Water Source

Sesame Street Announces Mr. Snuffleupagus-centric film “Booger Nights”

Trump Mulls Headless Horseman’s Application For Transportation Secretary

Mom’s Favorite Ride At Disney World Is The Designated Smoking Area

Other Wedding Guests Turn On Man Who Doesn’t Know Electric Slide