♫ We roll right through our years
We drift right through our months
I slide through our days
I’m always throwing hack weight ♫
— Should you ever find yourself at the lonely end of the rink, skate away and jump into the fire.
To the extent your never-sliding Weekend Politics Thread host groks the argot of ice bocce, “throw hack weight” translates to “try too hard.” A glossary of curling terms tells Uvular the phrase specifically describes a push that sends a stone past the house (the scoring circle) and to the foot rest, or hack, on the far end of the chazzwazzer. The stone stays inbounds, but as an overshot and out of play.
But why open with an aside that references the epigram that no Politicado will read? Because Uve has axels to grind with winter sports in general and the ongoing Winter Olympics in Beijing in particular that avalanche well beyond obscurantist shibboleths. Lutz get ready to grumble.1
Uvular grew up in a place that never experienced months of snow cover. Any ice that formed on accessible bodies of water never thickened nor remained long enough to support a skater, let alone a hockey team. And while your WPT host never much minded cold temperatures,2 he never saw the appeal of staying outdoors wile freezing, wet and exerting oneself to exhaustion. Add to all the other disincentives that falling hard appears the ultimate goal of pretty much every snow- or ice-based exercise, and count Uve out.
Also count him out for knowing nothing worth countenancing about the joys of jogging with sticks strapped to one’s feet or speeding headfirst down a slicked chute. Hundreds of millions of non-Uvular humans enjoy those and similar activities very much. Fine. Hurt and chill yourselves all you want, hundreds of millions of other humans. Just look for Uve on an indoor wrestling mat during the wintry sporting days of his youth. He at least figured out how to fall on foam padding.
Of course, wrestlers compete in the Summer Olympics because who knows why. And the 2021 Summer Olympics should not have happened due to the ludicrous expense, raging COVID-19 pandemic and inevitable excuses to engage in the worst forms of combined sexism and racism.3 The 2022 Winter Olympics should not have happened either because of the ludicrous expense, raging COVID-19 pandemic and out-in-the-open genocide. Click that immediately preceding link and then read further. No WPT header could do the true crime against humanity story justice.
The Chinese government also has a terrible track record when it come to *ahem* Luge, Giant slalom, Biathlon, short Track speedskating, Iditarod and Alpine skiing issues.4 Enjoy this additional reading assignment.
Except for sunk costs by television networks such as NBC and crocodile “What about the athletes?” tears, an all-out boycott of the Beijing Games looked like a no-brainer. Ensuring corporations break even or profit should not have deterred actions that denied an oppressive and murderous regime international glory. Likewise, the competitors currently competing in Beijing compete in numerous other high-profile competitions throughout each year. The Olympics just draw more TV viewers.
But the Games commenced. And Uvular, to borrow a phrase, hates that shit. Fuck Ronald Reagan. Rock over Berlin. Rock over Chicago. Good night, Sarajevo.5 Good commenting.