The I.M.P Day Thread is Advertising

“Hello, you filthy Avocados. I’m Blitzo (the O is silent!), and I’m here to offer you the pitch of an afterlifetime. Got an asshole who won’t stop downvoting your comments? Maybe someone with shitty political opinions? Or maybe they’re just into a fandom you really fucking can’t stand, and they won’t shut up about it.

Well, that’s where me and my team come in. We are the Immediate Murder Professionals (our jingle is online, please look it up, I do not know how to embed it on here, because Luna usually handles this stuff, and she is in one of her “moods” today, but she’s so precious to me that I can’t stay mad at her). Thanks to our exclusive access to the mortal world, we are able to go down to the living and take out ANY shit-posting piece of shit that you want us to. We make no judgments either. Anything to make your revenge now that you’re here in Hell a bit more accessible.

Wait, Moxxie–hang on one second. Moxxie, what the FUCK are you saying? What do you mean that everyone reading this is still alive? Moxxie, you could’ve fucking dropped THAT truth bomb in my lap before I took the time to buy out an OT thread that would last TWELVE WHOLE FUCKING HOURS! No, of course I assumed everyone here was dead, what with their talk of “shit-posting” and the fact that I could’ve sworn half of them migrated here from The AV Club…and what’s deader than the comments sections of THAT site, am I right? Am I right? Who am I elbowing? There’s no one there.

Look, Moxxie’s fuckup aside–yes, Moxxie, this is your fault, you know you have to give me such complaints in writing otherwise I will simply brush them aside with a sex joke–I can STILL make this advertisement work. Because all of you will be dead SOMEDAY, right? Good. Well, in the event that should happen sooner rather than later (and hey, given the shit state of your shitty planet, sometimes I’m fucking grateful to be living in Hell), be sure to look us up. We’re in the yellow pages here. Yes, Hell still has pay phones. And yes, half of them eat your dimes.

Have a fabulous day, you pitted pieces of oddly shaped fruit!”