New rumor says Disney is going to “reset” Star Wars, which is totally going to happen, okay?

In reporting that we promise is NOT nothing more than a steaming pile of bantha crap, a new rumor is claiming that Disney is “strongly considering” hitting the reset button on their recent trilogy of Star Wars sequels, which sounds extremely legitimate, especially since the first of those movies–The Force Awakens–is currently the biggest domestic box office hit ever, so “undoing” that would make perfect sense.

The news comes from Cosmic Book, with their source being a YouTube account with the username “Doomcock”–a name the article quotes over and over again completely non-ironically. Doomcock claims “that plans are in place to save the Star Wars franchise which involves the Abrams and Rian Johnson trilogy getting nullified,” which totally sounds like something that is actually happening, and not at all like a batshit insane rumor made up by some guy who wanted to get hits on his YouTube page. The story insists that executive producer Kathleen Kennedy is having a “civil war” with Jon Favreau over the matter, and sure, I could buy that they’re arguing given the almost universal praise The Mandalorian has gotten compared to The Last Jedi, a movie which people are still yelling at each other online about. Seriously, if you want to have some fun on an internet forum, simply type the words THE LAST JEDI in all caps and watch the chaos begin.

flexing
Deleted footage of Luke Skywalker’s “YMCA” musical number.

But anyway, Kennedy is reportedly freaking her poodoo out over all of this, since if “the plan comes to pass, everything that Kathleen Kennedy did with the Sequel Trilogy will be destroyed, tossed out and declared obsolete.” Serves her right for wearing that T-shirt that said “The Force is Female”! That’ll show her.

Now since this is absolutely something that is going to happen, you’re probably asking how Disney would go about doing this, and rather than take the lazy route like the newest Halloween and Terminator installments by simply making sequel/reboots which went out of the way to literally say to the audience’s face what they were doing (okay, veering out of my sarcasm here), the process would be much more complicated and involve multiple dimensions of the Force or something involving mirrors. Apparently, mirrors can be seen during Rey’s encounter with “Darth Rey” in The Rise of Skywalker, and not even J.J. Abrams knew why they were there, but someone else did, because…this restart has been in the works for a while, I guess? It’s almost like this rumor doesn’t make any fucking sense. Something, something, something, Palpatine ends up dying in Return of the Jedi for real again, and all of the events of the Disney sequel trilogy are “undone.”

“No Disney sequel trilogy, Han doesn’t walk stupidly into a lightsaber, Leia doesn’t fly like Mary Poppins through space, Luke has nothing to run away from and consumes no green milk, and I am informed there will be no amazing ‘wonder Rey’ as she was born after The Emperor’s death,” Doomcock is happy to report, stating that this will “retcon the Sequel Trilogy out of our misery and restore freedom to George Lucas’ galaxy.” (And, okay, Leia flying was pretty silly, but in order to be flying “like Mary Poppins” she’d have to be carrying an umbrella). It’s almost as if, I dunno, this is the wishful thinking of one Star Wars fan whose claims have somehow been circulating on mainstream movie websites as though they might be true. Which they completely are, by the way.

han solo dies
Stupid Han Solo, always walking into lightsabers like an idiot.

No word yet on what this could mean for a Solo sequel.