When condom monsters attack New York a bitter gay cop investigates. The trashy script, adapted from a German graphic novel, takes your standard monster movie and adds penis jokes. It works as well as it does because the leading man, Udo Samel, takes it seriously. He and his boyfriend are treated with respect. Unfortunately, the female and trans characters are not. This keeps me from recommending Killer Condom, but I can provide a spoiler filled recap.
Content Warning. The film contains violence, profanity, bigotry and some creepy puppets.
Act One: Danger
Scene One: The Hotel Quickie, NY
STUDENT: You want me to sleep with you for a passing grade?
TEACHER: Gross, right? I’ll just put on a condom.
KILLER CONDOM: Chomp.
Scene Two: Hotel Lobby, The Next Morning
(BABETTE, a sex worker, is lip syncing in the hotel lounge.)
DETECTIVE LUIGI MACKERONI: New York is terrible. I miss Italy.
MANAGER: But you’re speaking German.
LUIGI: We all are. But we’re playing New Yorkers.
MANAGER: Anyway, four men were castrated last night.
LUIGI: It must have been sex workers.
BABETTE: Loogi! I miss you, jerk. (insults him.)
LUIGI: It’s Luigi. And all we had was a one-night stand. (insults her.)
MANAGER: Do you identify as trans?
BABETTE: It’s never specified. My costumes suggest drag queen. Luigi calls me a “transvestite,” but I’ve changed my name off stage as well as on.
MANAGER: Does that make the film transphobic?
BABETTE: Sadly yes. The script gives me some agency but I’m constantly dead named and insulted.
Scene Three: Hotel Room
BILLY (A handsome hustler): Hi Cop. Lonely? (Strips.)
LUIGI: Sure kid. (Strips.)
BILLY: It’s huge! Wait… what was that?
(The Killer Condom giggles and skitters about the room. Jaws-like music plays.)
KILLER CONDOM: Chomp.
Act Two: An Investigation
Scene Four: Hospital
DR. RIFFLESON: A hustler bit off your testicle?
LUIGI: It wasn’t him! It was the condom!
CHIEF: You’re crazy. And you’re off the case!
Scene Five: Hijinks
(A Condom attacks Luigi and Babette. They hook a hose to the gas oven to lure it out. The Condom bites the hose and explodes.)
LUIGI: Thank you Babette.
BABETTE: I told you I’d get some agency!
BILLY: Can we try again?
LUIGI: I’m too old to fall in love with a call boy.
(They hook up in an elevator.)
BILLY: That was surprisingly romantic.
(Killer Condoms jump out of sewer grates, trash cans and bath tubs to attack people. They giggle and sing. It’s very Gremlins.)
Scene Six: Gay Club
CHIEF: You’re back on the case. Investigate this gay club.
HOMOPHOBIC COP: Those queers will molest me.
LUIGI: Wear this hanky in your pocket and they’ll leave you alone.
(The Homophobic Cop falls for it and gets sexually harassed. He punches Luigi.)
HOMOPHOBIC COP: That scene was problematic, and served no purpose!
LUIGI: Well there’s a news report about a missing scientist. And someone saw him in the hospital chapel.
HOMOPHOBIC COP: Why are we getting all this information at once, 80 minutes into the movie? Couldn’t you have discovered a series of clues over the course of your investigation?
LUIGI: I don’t know. The script’s getting choppy.
Act Three: Confrontation
Scene Seven: Hospital Chapel
DR. RIFFLESON: There’s no one here Detective. See for yourself.
(Luigi falls down a trap door.)
Scene Eight: Underground Lab
(The Doctor has a vat of Condom Monsters and a group of hostages including Babette, the Homophobic Cop and the Missing Scientist.)
MISSING SCIENTIST: She made me create them!
DR. RIFFLESON: The Lord has spoken to me. He wants me to clear this city of all sinners! And I’ve got something in your size, Detective!
(She unveils a Giant Condom Monster.)
GIANT CONDOM MONSTER: ROAR!
BILLY: Cop? Is that you?
(Chaos! Billy rescues Luigi from the Giant Condom Monster. The Doctor points a gun at Billy’s head.)
DR. RIFFLESON: God is on my side! Man shall not lie with man!
LUIGI: And those who are without sin shall cast the first stone. God doesn’t care if you’re a homosexual, a transvestite or an atheist. But God has no interest in your monsters or you!
DR. RIFFLESON: You’re all so dirty!
(The Doctor is now surrounded. She throws herself into the vat of Condom Monsters.)
BILLY: I love you Cop.
Scene Nine: The Street
LUIGI: I’m retiring and going back to Italy. Come with me?
LUIGI: I’ll miss you calling me Cop.
BILLY: I still can. Kiss me Cop.
Wrapping It Up
Tagline: The rubber that rubs YOU out!
Killer Condom was the second of Ralf König’s four films. He continues to write successful Graphic Novels. Independent Horror Studio Troma Entertainment managed the American distribution and promoted it at the Cannes Film Festival. Director Marin Walz admits that the film ran out of time and money. Several characters and subplots are introduced in the second act (A conservative politician, a lesbian cop, a mysterious bodyguard) and quickly forgotten. The end result is a little Gremlins, a little Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and a little Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
What comedy horror films do you like? What parody noirs?
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