Box Office Oracle — 12/06/2019-12/08/2019

Welcome to the Box Office Oracle–where new movies are pitted against each other for box office supremacy and only one can claim victory. Each week, I will be doing a quick box office prediction for all wide new releases. Sorry, obscure indie films I’ve never heard of, but you aren’t going to be discussed here unless you become big.

This is also something I’m going to keep as free of “controversy” if I can. This means that if, I don’t know, Jon Voight is voicing an evil government agent talking bear in a DreamWorks movie, I’m not going to make a bunch of Trump jokes. If a Tom Cruise actioner comes out, I’m not going to make a bunch of Scientology cracks. You get the idea. I want for this to be kept fun and simple.

So, without any further discussion, let’s get into this weekend’s solo big release, Playmobil: The Movie.

Playmobil: The Movie 

Ladies and gentlemen, we may have found our next cinematic punchline. If you were ever wondering what The Lego Movie would’ve been like if it hadn’t been good, well, this could end up being your answer. And yes, it’s safe to guarantee that every review for this film mentions The Lego Movie at least once.

Dealing with a number of production problems too extensive to list, including its original distributor going bankrupt, Playmobil: The Movie stars Daniel Radcliffe as a toy farting corpse James Bond-style Playmobil action figure who must save Playmobil land from a mad dictator who’s kidnapping various other Playmobil figures and OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY GAVE THIS THE EXACT SAME PLOT AS THE LEGO MOVIE!!!! Jesus Playmobil Fucking Christ. Anyway, there are also two others who join toy farting corpse Harry Potter Bond, a dumbass voiced truck driver voiced by Jim Gaffigan and a “smart, savvy civilian” played by Anya Taylor-Joy.

Prepare to be shocked, but Playmobil: The Movie isn’t scoring very well with critics, but at least they aren’t giving this quite the same level of bashing they gave The Emoji Movie, so that’s something I guess. But it’s not reviews that are going to bring this one down to its plastic knees. It’s the total lack of marketing and audience awareness. There’s been only one trailer that’s been playing in a few theaters in the states, and almost no TV advertising to speak of. In a desperate attempt to give the film a boost, STX Entertainment (a studio which, as I always have to mention, is financially unstable even with the occasional $100 million hit) has announced that tickets will only cost five dollars (you read that correctly) at almost all theaters. And that counts for all showtimes, by the way, so the new tagline for the movie may as well be “What else are you gonna spend five bucks on?” (The answer is a Taco Bell box, but that’s beside the point) With things looking dismal all around, look for Playmobil to go thud with a $1 million debut.

Why Your Fortune Cookie Tells You To Go: Daniel Radcliffe does sound like he’s having legit fun as the toy farting corpse James Bond spy character. And hey, it is only five bucks.

Why Your Fortune Cookie Tells You To Stay Away: I mean, c’mon. Everyone’s going to Frozen II again this weekend.

Today’s Lucky Lotto Numbers: $1 million debut; $3 million finish.

Other fun stuff…

* Playmobil: The Movie inexplicably has the costly production budget of $75 million, which is absolutely nuts. Where did all of that money go? It’s certainly not showing up on screen, as this looks like a straight-to-DVD film in a lot of ways, and I doubt it costs that much for Harry Potter to lend his pipes to your farting corpse movie.

* Save your animated spy movie money for Spies In Disguise which, unlike Playmobil, actually looks pretty funny.

* Frozen II is going to become only the third film this year to remain on top of the box office for three weekends in a row. The other two? Avengers: Endgame (no surprise) and Glass (surprise).

* I can’t decide if the “Adele” joke at the end of the Playmobil trailer is terrible or actually kind of amusing.

* So what will you be doing at the box office this weekend? Will you be spending your five bucks on Playmobil or Taco Bell? Did I make too many references to that obscure Harry Potter farting corpse movie here? Sound off in the comments below!