I feel like I’m really getting into the groove of this Weekend Politics Thread Emperor thing. Ever since I attained this position of unchecked power, I’ve been steadily increasing the amount of corruption I do every week, and I’m pretty happy about my progress. It’s like exercising at the gym, but instead of adding reps to my routine, I’m adding abuse of power. Do you even crime, bro?
The money just roles in. Have you seen how much I get from every rock band that wants some exposure in these posts? Well, you probably haven’t seen it, since I’ve been withholding that information from the public, but you get the idea. Avocado University has been a wild success – I might even open it for real some day! I’ve never tried to actually provide the services I promised before, but maybe someday I’ll try it out, who knows. Oh, and selling the Avocado to Omni Consumer Products made me a mint. Good times.
So I guess I’m just going to keep it up! I foresee no changes, and I am completely insulated from news about criminal investigations and my very low approval rating by my staff of yes men. Sometimes I hear the rumblings of the increasingly cranky rabble, but what can they do? What do they think this is, a democracy? Ha. Elections have consequences, and sometimes those consequences are that there aren’t any more elections. My reign will last forever! FOREVER!
[investigated]
Oh. Ah, well… I think this is just a misunderstanding. I couldn’t have broken any laws, because I fired all the investigators. No investigators, no crimes. That’s just science.
[impeached]
Ummm, that’s not good. Hey, this is like, unfair. It’s dictator harassment, as in harassment of an innocent dictator! You’re supposed to be hapless doormats – that’s the law, and I know because I wrote it! But you don’t scare me…
[convicted]
Ah shit, fine! You scare me, alright!? Just please don’t do this, I need this! It was the perfect scam, and you were the perfect marks. Perfect! That’s a compliment, you understand? I just… love doing crimes so much! And all the lying and the abuse and the bribes that aren’t technically crimes but should be, it’s all been so magical!
[removed]
NOOOOOOOO!!!
Unless it comes from the Coup region of France it's not actually a Coup, it's Sparkling Regime Change
— Ed Burmila (@edburmila) November 12, 2019
[arrested]
NOOOOOOOO!!!
[imprisoned]
NOOOOOOOO!!!
Well, my reign of terror over the weekend politics thread is at an end. Next week’s post will have a returning special guest host, but after that (starting November 30), we’ve got an old-fashioned power vacuum. So far, a few people have expressed interest in posting, but more on a rotating or occasional basis than the same person every weekend. That sounds pretty reasonable to me – this place isn’t one person’s dictatorship or anything (at least not anymore).
Let’s get to the politics. Please do not threaten Mayor McSquirrel or anybody else. Have a great weekend!
