Ever sat in your car after a work shift, lamenting the fact your coworker ate all the shrimp fried rice, and wondered what to do?
“Who on Earth could ever help me solve this problem?” You think to yourself, and then remember that random person on the internet who likes to yell at people in all caps during werewolf.
“Of course!” You continue talking to your cats, because suddenly we’ve changed locations now, “I’ll ask Anna for advice!”
Well, if this situation sounds like you (obviously insert significant others, dogs, birds, bunnies, twitter followers, posters in your room,the ghosts that haunt you, family members who won’t leave you alone when you’re trying to spiral, as needed) then you’re in luck because I’m starting “Smash Your Problems with The Avocado”, a potentially weekly but at the very least regular advice column ingeniously named by our very own MLA. If you’ve got a problem you’d like tackled, simply email avoguactalk@gmail.com . I’ll answer your burning questions about childbirth or severance pay, online crushing and hospice care, the best video games to buy your imaginary children and the perfect memes to deploy in the group chats you are worried your friends are having without you. Can’t think of a clever name to ask it under? Fine, I’ll do that to, but I am thoroughly looking forward to at least seven parody Law & Order references. (You never work for Amazon so it’s totally okay to stop working for a minute to answer a law enforcement officer’s question, by the way)
But sometimes I am not the best qualified to give that advice you crave. Sometimes you need someone a bit more… specific. And so while I and any expert guests I bring on, like a less burned out Dan Savage, will be happy to impart wisdom, there will also be some more special guests.
For our inaugural column, I’ll be welcoming the MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE from Untitled Goose Game. DIY project falling apart? Ask the goose. Catching the attention of the crush you have? Ask the goose. Scaring off the person you no longer have a crush on because romantic relationships are a scam? G.O.O.S.E. Ready to take down an oppressive government structure? That’s right, you can ask the goose. I don’t think they’ll be much help with recipes (though I sure as shit won’t either) so if your particular question needs more serious advice rest assured, the goose will go bother someone else. But if you specifically, desperately need the goose, feel free to request them.
Email your advice questions to avoguactalk@gmail.com and watch for this column’s debut soon!