Welcome to the recap for this week’s Savage Lovecast. Here’s a link to the column as well.

Dan is sick with food poisoning or something else digestive system oriented, so he’s not feeling up for a rant this week. His only words of wisdom is that if someone else in your house is having toilet-intensive symptoms you should be required to stay off your phone when you use the facilities, lest you spend more time there than is absolutely necessary.

On to the calls! A woman lives in a red state. She has vowed not to fuck guys who voted for Trump but those seem to be her only available options and she is getting lonely. Dan begrudgingly gives her permission to fuck former Trump voters who promise not to make the same mistake in 2020.

A straight guy is in a marriage that is open but not poly. One of the rules that he and the missus have is that if one of them starts to catch feelings for a secondary that they will pull the plug. Another rule is that if one of them thinks the other is starting to catch feelings they can ask them to pull the plug. The wife was seeing a guy and the husband tried to exercise the second rule but she said she wasn’t catching feelings then came back later and said wouldn’t you know I did catch feelings. This all took place over the course of about three months and a dozen dates between the the wife and the guy. Our caller wants to know if somebody can really fall in love that fast. Dan says that’s a pointless question; the wife feels what she feels. They can and should do counseling and maybe they can come back from this but it also may be that the best result they can hope for is an amicable end to the marriage.

A woman just broke up with her boyfriend with whom she was sharing a one bedroom apartment. He moved out and has been couch surfing and she’s found a new place too but he refuses to pack up his stuff and is telling her not to touch it. Dan says she shouldn’t have to but the best thing to do is pack up his stuff, put it by the door, and give him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t come and get the stuff it goes on the curb.

A woman is hooking up with a guy and he has asked her for some help with his business which apparently relates to her field. It wasn’t really made clear what the field is but it sounded like some kind of marketing or social media. Should she do it? Dan says if it is very general and casual advice, sure, but if it anything more than that she needs to take time to get to know him before she does anything that might entangle her professional reputation with his.

A friend is getting married and the caller doesn’t like the fiancé and thinks they’re a bad match. Should she tell her friend what she thinks? Should she go to the wedding? Dan says take says take the friend to dinner and make her case, but unless the guy is actually abusive she should still go to the wedding for her friend. In any case if the marriage happens and then later goes to shit be there for the friend without any I told you sos.

A woman in her early 30s is in a relationship with a man in his early 40s. Should she disclose to him that she did sex work when she was younger? It was mostly happy endings and some sugar baby stuff, but a lot of her clients were the same age as her current beau so she is afraid she might run into one of them if she travels in his social circle. Dan says she doesn’t have to disclose but keeping that kind of secret for the long run can be stressful. He comes down on the side of tell.

A woman has been married for eight years and has three young kids. Because she’s spent most of her marriage so far either pregnant or breastfeeding she is just now getting to enjoy a regular sex life with her husband. She finds that her horniness waxes and wanes with her menstrual cycle. Is she a bad feminist if she blames her occasional lack of desire on her hormones. Dan says (with an audible eye roll) that she’s fine. Lots of women’s libidos vary with their cycle. He throws in the suggestion that sometimes if she’s not feeling it she can give her husband a masturbatory assist instead of full intercourse. He gives this advice a lot and it has always seemed kind of dumb to me. I assume for most people “not horny” implies not wanting some guy’s dick in your hand.

A 17 year old trans gay guy met another trans guy. They became good friends, but for the caller it became a serious crush. Should he tell the guy and risk the friendship? Dan says go for it but be aware that it could indeed spoil the friendship.

A married guy just got back from the Folsom Street Fair with his husband where they had a great time. As part of that trip they stopped in Nevada to engage the services of a sex worker. When they were making arrangements before the trip, the first guy they talked to kept wanting increasing amounts of money in advance. Our heroes got spooked after sending $40 and moved on to talk to somebody else. The second guy didn’t ask for anything up front and ended up being great. Having had a very negative and a very positive experience shopping for a sex worker, our caller wants to know what’s more common. Dan says most sex workers are very professional. The first guy was probably just a scammer who was never going to show up anyway. If they enjoyed the second guy so much they should stay in touch and consider employing him again if they’re ever in the same place.

A 32 year old woman met a guy from a wedding and they hit it off. He lives in another country though so it’s going to be while before they’re in the same place to have a conventional dating relationship. In the the meantime they are in a DADT open relationship. She is taking advantage of it but he is not. Is it wrong that she is dodging questions about what’s she’s been up to in order to hide her other sexual partners from the “boyfriend” overseas? Dan says no, a little evasion is part of the DADT deal. For all she knows, the guy’s claims that he isn’t getting any may be a similar smokescreen. My opinion on the matter is reflected in the scare quotes I used three sentences back.

A 51 year old married monogamish woman has started menopause and is struggling with decreased libido and natural lubrication. Her doctor has recommended vaginal estrogen but the caller doesn’t want to use it because she’s worried about the health effects and doctors are all in the pocket of big pharma. Dan calls in frequent guest and senior sex expert Joan Price to help with this one. Joan says that estrogen is safer for some people than for others. Your doctor is in the best position to assess that risk for you so take her advice. She also talks about the difference between spontaneous and responsive sexuality. While younger people tend to get horny and then have sex, often older people need to start having sex to get horny. For his part, Dan Recommends Pot ™.

A straight woman has PTSD but is in treatment. She is unhappy because when she gets triggered and tries to call her (relatively new) partner, he isn’t willing to console and comfort her. Dan says she’s probably asking too much of a new partner. Even if the care she needs at these moments is relatively minor he may be thinking if she’s like this now how much of her mental health am I going to be responsible for in six months? Maybe it will help if she explains that she is in treatment and expects to get better. Also, try to develop a support system for your mental health apart from your dating relationships.

A woman had a friendship with a married couple that turned into her becoming their permanent guest star. Now they’re getting divorced. The woman is giving her the cold shoulder but she still wants to be friends with each of them (and to have sex with the husband). Dan says check in to see what they are thinking then give them space. I say that while the caller said all the right things to make herself sound like a good actor in this situation, I got a strong chaos agent vibe from her. She didn’t say it, but my take is that she couldn’t be happier that the marriage is over and is going to be all over the husband in about five minutes.

A 32 year old queer guy is just leaving his first threesome in years. The couple seemed to have fun but he never got hard and regrets ignoring his intuitions about what he was and wasn’t into. Dan calls back and they talk for a while and it turns out this guy has no actual problem. The couple called him the next day to check on him and were very nice and he’s sure if they do it again it will be better. This was just an emotional wank session for the caller that for some reason Dan seemed to enjoy indulging.

A 23 year old gay guy is out but his boyfriend isn’t so he couldn’t meet the boyfriend’s parents. Dan says DTMFA and tell him why; don’t let him drag you back into the closet. I don’t disagree but I have never understood the obsession people have with their parents meeting their partner and vice versa.

A 27 year old bi woman wants a recommendation for a good book on lesbian sex. Dan obligingly offers Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon and says it’s good for anyone who has sex with women, not just lesbians.

Response tweets: The Bi Visibility Day Twitter haters are lame. “It’s better to be alone because you’re alone than to be alone because you’re with the wrong person” is a great observation (Dan points out that the quote is actually from Joan Price). “Making someone your closet involves hollowing them out” is another great quote.

Response calls: The eating cookies in her car caller from last week may have put her date off because he sensed she was already planning their future. If somebody wants to video you having sex, make them use your phone. Questions like the one about getting turned on by the tattoo guy are silly; our fantasies are our own business.

Thanks for reading.