On this day, the thirtieth of July, 29 years ago, something very important happened. Five Bank of Credit & Commerce members were found guilty of money laundering. Also, a baby was born. This baby was given a name. That name is a secret, but he later took on another name. A much more foreboding one, probably: lutair.

This baby boy, born in the scorching desert, did not see snow until he was like 3 or 4, probably visiting his grandparents or something; it’s not super clear. But the point is he was, is, and ever shall be a desert kid.

This lutair kid went to high school, then college, then started following a website about audio and video media. A club or sorts. He commented there occasionally, and was invited, personally, by the leader of a small cult. By personally, I of course mean an automated message was sent to him, but it felt very personal. lutair joined this cult and began commenting there.

After some time in the cult, lutair figured out some secrets to the arcane language used to communicate and wrote sacred texts describing their function. This was know as “Lutair’s Declassified Disqus Survival Guide”. This gave him some acclaim among cult members, but most called him a nerd and moved on.

Eventually the high council of beans requested an audience with the kid. He was offered a position on the council of beans. lutair jumped at this opportunity and officially became a bean. He helped out unearthing other arcane secrets and once they moved to a larger compound, helped spread the word about how cute otters are.

Today, they say you can still hear lutair whispering if you listen closely enough. Because he’s still alive and right over there.

The end.

Or is it?

It’s not. Happy birthday to me.