Welcome to the weekend! As you may have heard, the United States recently used its fleet of starships sent from the future to win its independence from the Romulan Star Empire, which is also from the future.
In celebration, let’s see what’s happening in a few of those states.
The biggest and most-inconvenient-to-put-on-a-US-map state has been suffering from two disasters, one human-caused and one natural. First, the Republican state government has made a snap decision to cut funding for the University of Alaska system by 41 percent, just for kicks.
Second, severe wildfires, which is an entirely natural phenomenon and cannot be blamed in any way on humankind…
Dammit, really? You mean it’s the hottest year on record all over the planet, correlating with increased severity and frequency of wildfires such as this one? And it’s definitely the result of greenhouse gas emissions changing the climate? Ah. Well, in our collective defense…
We move from the biggest state to the most populous one. First, the Democratic state government has passed a law against discrimination based on natural hairstyles. This was prompted by a series of racist incidents in which the racists in question claimed that hair, rather than skin color, was the basis of their abuse, so it’s totally fine, right? California says: not anymore.
Second, there have been a series of earthquakes in Southern California. They’re, uh, pretty big.
The Democratic primary for Queens District Attorney has come down to the wire. A few dozen contested votes separate Melinda “The Establishment” Katz from Tiffany “Not the Establishment” Cabán. Cabán’s supporters claim that Katz’ narrow lead is the result of voter suppression and legal chicanery. Beware: this story involves both NY Governor Andrew Cuomo [shudders] and activist Shaun King [shudders], so proceed at your own risk.
Alright, let’s talk politics. While talking politics, please do not threaten Mayor McSquirrel or anyone else. And especially, don’t threaten any bears, because they will come for you, and they have cars now.