There is a lot of work that has gone into making and maintaining this site in the past year+. We here at The Avocado are regularly flooded with helpful suggestions on how we could use our site to make money (as well as links to where we can purchase cryptocurrency, Cialis, and sexy girls) and we have thus far declined them all. While we have maintained that it is out of a sense of loyalty and honor, the real reason is that we were holding out for more. Now is the time to cash in however and for you to help contribute your fare share. You give each other enough money for random GoFundMe’s, you can chip in a bit now to keep the site running and certain people properly compensated.
Unlike those other fundraisers, we will actually give you something back in return. Our rewards have been specifically curated to appeal to The Avocado at large, with tiers to choose from based on the level you are comfortable giving at. Remember, don’t give more than you can financially afford to, but we and everybody else is subtly judging you as they are on every other fundraiser based on the amount you choose. All donations are equal in our eyes, but some are more equal than others. There will be more stretch goals added later depending on your generosity/need to show off your generosity. Before we get to any of that though, I want you all to know what’s on the line.
This is Arya
She’s a good girl who loves tummy rubs and walks and playing.
If you don’t raise the $300, the dog gets it.
$1 – Every dollar counts so good on you, but if you went through all the work of donating and then only contributed a dollar, I’m going to assume you only did this at a joke. As a result, you will only get a dad joke in return. Estimated Delivery Time – My leisure
$5 – The proper “I wanted to make a contribution, but I don’t have much to give tier”. Assuming you want to be known (which let’s be honest, you all want your generosity to be known), those on this tier and higher will be forever immortalized in a section of the menu honoring those who gave. Since no one really bothers to look through the menu, no one will ever see your name, but it’s nice pretending that you will be immortalized. Estimated Delivery Time – At the conclusion of the campaign
$10 – Now we’re talking. Since the primary currency on the site is upvotes, it’s only fair that those who donate in this tier or higher are returned the most valuable commodity here, upvotes. Let’s call it 200 which will be delivered by DaughterofUhtred or a nickel a piece. If you lack 200 comments, then you will receive make good upvotes. Estimated Delivery Time – When she damn well pleases (My words, not hers)
$25 – Here’s a good, quality amount. Enough to make a real difference, but not reaching the tier where people think you are subtly showing off. If you donate here or above, you will gain access to a series of exclusive Rabbit screenings as voted on by donors and held at different times for different availabilities. Estimated Delivery Time – Within a month of the conclusion of the campaign
$50 – Slow down, Moneybags. Or rather don’t, since all of your money here is desired. In fact, please donate to this tier or above. You could buy a new video game when you already have so many including all those you have hardly touched, go see a few movies that you’ll just get into arguments about online while continuing to ignore the most interesting and risky movies getting made, head out to the bar and continue working on destroying your liver, or you could give us the money instead. In fact, it’s almost as if giving us the money is the best thing you could do for you and your body. Anyone at this tier or higher will get their own Open Thread dedicated just to them on their birthday instead of one you have to make yourself. You’re no longer the kid who had no one show up for their birthday, you’re the rich kid whose parents paid someone to show up. Now which one sounds more fun? Estimated Delivery Time – Depends on when you were born obviously
$100 – Who the heck is going to donate this much or more? If you are clearly this desperate for attention, then by golly are we going to give it to you. For the next year, every post you put up will get pinned to the front page for a day regardless of how niche or poorly written it is. Estimated Delivery Time – Just go ahead and pin them yourselves if you like, we won’t take them down, but I’ll do my best to pin your post if you miss it.
$200 – You know what, why don’t we just make you an admin if you are that desperate to throw money at this site. Who the hell cares if you are woefully unqualified or likely to burn the site down? If you’re going to invest that kind of scratch just to mess up the site, I’m fine with it. Estimated Delivery Time – Within 8 hours, less if you do it while I’m awake and paying attention to the site
$350 – Classic Coverage will be expanded. Choice of show is at my discretion. Estimated Delivery Time – First new installment will go up 4/15 – MET! (Announced Here)
$400 – An Album Spotlight of my choice will be posted. Estimated Delivery Time – It will be up within the day – MET!
$450 – An Album Spotlight based on the will of the crowd will be posted. Only single albums and albums that are readily accessible will be accepted so no posting awful, endless boxsets to torment me with you cruel bastards or posting an obscure album only available for $70 on Ebay since it is nowhere online. Estimated Delivery Time – 4/8 – MET!
$500 – Classic Coverage will be expanded again. DaughterofUhtred will begin reviewing Supernatural. – MET!
$550 – The planned switch to Spot.IM will be cancelled. Estimated Delivery Time – Effective immediately – MET!
$700 – A giant one off podcast of some sort featuring all your favorite guests including TBD, IDK, and ALF (Author’s note: We do not own the rights to ALF and cannot promise ALF). Estimated Delivery Time – Sometime after we figure out what the hell it is going to be – MET!
$750 – Starting at this tier, I will review one film of the donors’ choice for every additional $50 we raise. Estimated Delivery Time – Depends on the number of films obviously as well as film availability. First one will be delivered within two weeks of its selection. – MET! (Twice so far)
$1000 – Every donor who contributes $25 or more will be put into a future installment of That’s Our Dik! Estimated Delivery Time – The future
$2000 – Death to The Avocado! Long live the new flesh! Estimated Delivery Time – *Starts probing gaping wound in stomach*
So once again, here’s the link to the GoFundMe and make sure that you clearly indicate who you are when you give (here and or on the donation) so that your wonderful prizes can be delivered promptly.
All money collected will go to the Brandywine Valley SPCA