This is a casual undertaking – I’m not looking to be particularly thorough or deep. So this covers only the movies getting a wide release in March, and contains only what I know off the top of my head. I’ll leave it to the community to fill in the blanks.

Friday March 1st

Greta

Description: A sweet, naïve young woman trying to make it on her own in New York City, Frances (Chloë Grace Moretz) doesn’t think twice about returning the handbag she finds on the subway to its rightful owner. That owner is Greta (Isabelle Huppert), an eccentric French piano teacher with a love for classical music and an aching loneliness. Having recently lost her mother, Frances quickly grows closer to widowed Greta. The two become fast friends — but Greta’s maternal charms begin to dissolve and grow increasingly disturbing as Frances discovers that nothing in Greta’s life is what it seems.

What I Know: Nothing except what Metacritic is already reporting: the critics who like it enjoy or overlook the “gimmickry” and “insane ending”; those that don’t call it “swill” and “a jumbled mess.”

Tyler Perry’s a Madea Family Funeral

Description: A joyous family reunion turns into a hilarious nightmare as Madea and the crew travel to backwoods Georgia and unexpectedly plan a funeral, which threatens to reveal sordid family secrets.

What I Know: When we wished for more leading roles for POC, we should have been more specific.

Friday March 8

Captain Marvel

Description: Set in the 1990s, Marvel Studios’ Captain Marvel is an all-new adventure from a previously unseen period in the history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe that follows the journey of Carol Danvers as she becomes one of the universe’s most powerful heroes. While a galactic war between two alien races reaches Earth, Danvers finds herself and a small cadre of allies at the center of the maelstrom.

What I Know: Honestly, reading this description told me more about the actual plot than any of the trailers have. With Infinity War, they seemed to reveal a great deal of information that turned out to mostly be red herrings; with Marvel, I only have a rough idea of what to expect. This may be intentional to protect spoilers and to avoid “I saw the entire movie in the trailer” syndrome. If any franchise can get away with concealing most of the plot from the public, it’s the MCU; some people will see it just to help make sense of her inevitable appearance in Endgame, or to see old favorites like Fury and Coulson. Still, leaving so much unknown about a relatively unknown character might alienate the casual fans.

Friday March 15

The Aftermath

Description: In 1946 postwar Germany, Rachael Morgan (Keira Knightley) arrives in the ruins of Hamburg in the bitter winter, to be reunited with her husband Lewis (Jason Clarke), a British colonel charged with rebuilding the shattered city. But as they set off for their new home, Rachael is stunned to discover that Lewis has made an unexpected decision: They will be sharing the grand house with its previous owners, a German widower (Alexander Skarsgård) and his troubled daughter. In this charged atmosphere, enmity and grief give way to passion and betrayal.

What I Know: Somehow this does *not* appear to be failed Oscar bait dumped in the early spring; there’s no indication of an unremarkable festival run last year, nor of thousands of “For Your Consideration” DVD screeners buried under an Arizona parking lot. It still smells like leftovers, and critics agree: reactions range from tepid praise (“attractive and diverting”) to fully uninterested (“Where it might have been an old-fashioned melodrama with credible historical appeal, instead it suggests an old-school celluloid epic whose print has lost a reel or two”). Director James Kent’s only other theatrical release was 2014’s Testament of Youth, described as “a British woman recalls coming of age during World War I – a story of young love, the futility of war, and how to make sense of the darkest times.” So I guess this is his thing.

Captive State

Description: Set in a Chicago neighborhood nearly a decade after an occupation by an extra-terrestrial force, Captive State explores the lives on both sides of the conflict – the collaborators and dissidents.

What I Know: Looks like a lo-fi, tight-focus approach to science fiction – think Attack the Block, maybe, in the way it mixes alien invasion with urban drama. There may be a hint of YA novel adaptation in there too. The director, Rupert Wyatt, is looking to recover from a forgotten Mark Wahlberg vehicle and return to his glory days, when he helmed Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Bad omen: the movie was supposed to be released August of last year, before being pushed from a dumping ground to a less reputable dumping ground.

I suspect most of John Goodman’s screen-time is captured in the trailer.

Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase

Description: A bit of an outsider struggling to fit into her new surroundings, Nancy and her pals set out to solve the mystery, make new friends, and establish their place in the community.

What I Know: Best case scenario, this finds an underserved market (girls and young women) and carves out a little ground for itself in Captain Marvel’s shadow. It’ll be fighting uphill, though: a no-name cast, an IP long out of the zeitgeist, and no promotion that I’ve noticed point towards an unenthusiastic response. This is the first theatrical release for director Katt Shea since 1999’s The Rage: Carrie 2. She also directed Drew Barrymore cult classic Poison Ivy and something called Stripped to Kill II: Live Girls.

Wonder Park

Description: A young girl named June (Brianna Denski) brings a magnificent amusement park to life.

What I Know: Shitty looking animation? Check. Overqualified voice cast (Jennifer Garner, John Oliver, Ken Jeong, Kenan Thompson, Matthew Broderick, Mila Kunis) earning a check in their pajamas? Check. Frantic trailer with fart joke? Check. Gimmicky, badly dated sound track (the RHCP cover of Love Rollercoaster, Goo Goo Dolls, Marcy Playground, Live, Eve 6)? Check.

Here’s what sets it apart: it’s been in production for 4 1/2 years. It somehow cost $100M. The supporting cast includes (and I am not making this up) Dave Grohl, Michelle Branch, Maria Bamford, Neko Case, Curtis “Booger” Armstrong, Ione Skye, Wendie Malick, Kennedy, Billie Joe Armstrong, Matt Pinfield, Kurt Loder, Cheri Oteri, Mena Suvari, Brian Doyle-Murray, Billy Corgan, the late Clancy Brown, and Apollo Anton Ohno.

Also, the original director was fired for “inappropriate and unwanted conduct.”

Nobody asked for this, nobody wants it, and it’ll probably make bank.

Friday March 22

Us

Description: A mother (Lupita Nyong’o) and a father (Winston Duke) take their kids (Shahadi Wright Joseph, Evan Alex) for an idyllic summer getaway. Haunted by an unexplainable and unresolved trauma from her past and compounded by a string of eerie coincidences, Adelaide feels her paranoia elevate to high-alert as she grows increasingly certain that something bad is going to befall her family. After spending a tense beach day with their friends, the Tylers (Elisabeth Moss, Tim Heidecker, Cali Sheldon, Noelle Sheldon), Adelaide and her family return to their vacation home. When darkness falls, the Wilsons discover the silhouette of four figures holding hands as they stand in the driveway. Us pits an endearing American family against a terrifying and uncanny opponent: doppelgängers of themselves.

What I Know: Shit’s gonna be lit.

Friday March 29

Dumbo

Description: Circus owner Max Medici (Danny DeVito) enlists former star Holt Farrier (Colin Farrell) and his children Milly (Nico Parker) and Joe (Finley Hobbins) to care for a newborn elephant whose oversized ears make him a laughingstock in an already struggling circus. But when they discover that Dumbo can fly, the circus makes an incredible comeback, attracting persuasive entrepreneur V.A. Vandevere (Michael Keaton), who recruits the peculiar pachyderm for his newest, larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland. Dumbo soars to new heights alongside a charming and spectacular aerial artist, Colette Marchant (Eva Green), until Holt learns that beneath its shiny veneer, Dreamland is full of dark secrets.

What I Know: We could have had the creativity of early Tim Burton and the quality control of Disney’s best releases. Instead, I think we’re getting the creativity of Disney’s paint-by-the-numbers live-action remakes and the creative control of post-Ed Wood Tim Burton. If this flops, it won’t necessarily sink the other 2019 remakes (Aladdin and The Lion King) but it could signal the start of diminishing returns. Otherwise, we can probably look forward to a Robin Hood remake with an all-furry cast in 2026.