Yummy Mummies – Season 1

The phrase “car crash TV” is heard a lot. It often refers to those shows where the original concept was misguided or the execution so cack-handed that it becomes fascinating to watch and wonder “What were they thinking?”

Yummy Mummies is crash test dummies TV. There’s no error in concept or execution here. The only error was the creation of people like Maria Di Geronimo. The producers took her, loaded her in front of a camera and fired her into the wall of society.

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I don’t know the designer of the baby carrier, but I do know it is a designer item. Because every single item she owns is designer. Without exception. Did you know there are Armani baby bottles? Well there are and she has them.

The show’s basic set up is that there are 3 mums to be in Melbourne. They have an Instagram account detailing their wealthy, conspicuous consumption hashtag friendly lifestyle. So far, so standard Bravo fare.

imagePictured:  Lorinska, Rachel and ….the other one. I don’t remember and I watched 10 episodes of this.

Now, what takes this show into the realm of not tearing your eyes away from it (and god knows you’ll want to) is the Di Geronimo clan. Maria finds the @melbourneyummymummies account and takes it as a personal challenge. She invites the Melbourne trio to her baby shower. As you do. They travel to Adelaide to attend. (NB- Melbourne to Adelaide is 406 miles as the crow flies) Now, the Melbourne trio have the decency to be a little bemused by the idea of flying for hours to attend a stranger’s baby shower but hey, the producers probably told them it was good for the show. From their reactions I don’t think they were primed on what to expect as far as taste and class were concerned

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Pictured:  Maria arriving at her baby shower in a horse drawn carriage wearing a gold sash

There’s an important point to be drawn from the picture here. That is Maria’s sister and her mother. At no point in  the show is Maria seen conversing with anyone who she isn’t related to or the employer of, other than the Melbourne 3. One could almost feel sorry for her. Until they remembered she threw a “cash only gifts” Versace themed baby shower and arrived in a f***ing horse drawn carriage.

Now having flaunted her wealth (including a floral arrangement made of 100 dollar bills) She then attends the baby shower of Lorinska. Her gift? A Lorinska impersonator who proceeds to carry out a roast

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I’m convinced that Maria and her mother think that the resting expression of the human race is horrified disbelief. A good 10% of the runtime of the show is reaction shots of people wondering if they are for real. A significant subset of these shots are the “quick flash of horror morphing into blankness” of people who know selling a gold plated Christian Dior pacifier  requires tact. (No, really. Her baby has one.  Baby Valentina which Maria repeatedly refers to  as “it” despite having ascertained the gender and picking the name in advance.)

Ahh, yes, Maria’s mother Margherita. The answer to the question “Whatever happened to Zelda from Terrahawks?” (If you want to google that reference go ahead, I’ll wait)

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And yes, I shouldn’t attack anyone on their appearance. Luckily it isn’t skin deep with Margherita. She’s horrible down to the bone. Almost all of her talking head to camera pieces are sneering at people’s clothes, possessions or weight. She even attempts to fat shame a baby.  This comes during the plotline that’s as close to a denouement as a reality TV show gets. The Melbourne mums travel to Brisbane to audition their babies for a clothing store Ad campaign. Maria sees this on Instagram and of course has to compete.

Remember how big Australia is. Adelaide to Brisbane is over 1200 miles. Four times as far as London to Paris. And Maria is prepared to travel that far to compete for the chance for her baby to wear an outfit for a mid-range clothing store. The idea she did it off her own bat is insane. The idea that she’d do it at the suggestion of producers of a TV show isn’t really any better.  Anyway, the shop uses all the babies for the campaign so nobody’s feelings get hurt. Apart from Maria and Margherita’s obviously as they aren’t about winning as much as crowing at other’s defeat.

That’s in episode 9. Episode 10 kind of fizzles out as it contains Maria’s partner Carlos’  (Imagine someone tattooed a pituitary gland and put it in a too tight shirt) marriage proposal and the third Melbourne mum (Ringo? Maybe? No, it’s gone again) giving birth. I don’t feel it’s being needlessly dismissive to gloss over the proposal as they’ve apparently already split up. Truly a tragedy, although we’ll always have the memory of watching them attempt to organise the Herculean task of bathing a baby.  Enjoy this clip which includes a discussion of whether 90.8 degrees is a correct water temperature for that “Is that in D or F?” (sic)