The Weekend Politics Thread IS the Senate

So I’m in a bit of trouble with the Avocado Congress. Avocongress? Avocadongress? Whatever, but the point is my brave, unbelievable leadership of the Weekend Politics Thread has cost me a few points in the polls, and the power-brokers in their guacamole-filled rooms are distancing themselves from me. I’m still a bit miffed at this, honestly – I don’t get why my demand for us all to unconditionally surrender to Kinja went over so poorly. I mean, they’ve been $$$uper nice to ME, I’m sure things would be fine for all the marks as well.

mdm

I said that last thing out loud, didn’t I?

Anyway, if things keep up like this, I’m at risk of removal by the Avocadongress. Me and Trump, two-of-a-kind, imagine that. What’s that? Why yes, I did just imply that the Unpresidented is under threat of impeachment. It’s actually not that far-fetched that in the next two years, the Democratic-majority House might be given such damning evidence of Trump’s many crimes that they have no choice but to impeach him. Still not convinced? Me neither, but two things: 1. Imagine if the economy tanks, or even just remains unstable. That changes the equation. 2. THEY JUST HAVE TO I HATE HIM SO MUUUUUUUUCH

Trump’s version of the Avocadongress, if it gets to that point, is our focus for the day, the Senate. Here are some of the people who may eventually be forced to decide on throwing Trump out of office. And yes, I’m specifically focusing on the biggest jerks, because I think it makes for better reading. However, don’t completely rule out a vote for removal, even from the people on this list.* It’s amazing what self-interest can do, and it’s amazing to imagine just how bad things would have to get – and how bad they actually might get – to make these Senators vote to convict a President of their own party.

*Except Tom Cotton.

James Inhofe

This guy’s assholery is legendary. Remember when he regularly voted against federal disaster relief in every state – except Oklahoma? Good times. Shockingly, he’s also enriching himself with his office.

Sen. James Inhofe Bought Defense Stock Days After Pushing for Record Pentagon Spending—Then Dumped It When Asked About It

Ted Cruz

Just needed to fit this in somewhere.

Mitch McConnell

I try to keep in mind that McConnell is more of a Lovecraftian nightmare than he is a normal person. It’s not that he doesn’t think or feel things, as clearly he does – you can practically smell the satisfaction he gets from killing poor children. What I mean is, his turtle logic is too alien for most of us to grasp. So try not to worry about what Mitch is thinking or feeling at any given moment, and just focus on nudging him using basic chemotaxis: move towards a reward (of leafy greens to eat) and move away from a penalty (of Trump dragging the GOP to a crushing 2020 loss).

Blucifer

Demonic idol, football mascot, and senator from my home state of Colorado, Blucifer stands out from the others in this list. It’s not that he doesn’t love bribes – ritual sacrifice could be considered a type of bribe, after all. It’s not that he doesn’t want us all dead – oh, I assure you, he does. It’s not that his loyalty to the Dark Lord is infinitely greater than his loyalty to his country – that’s not unique in this list. Come to think of it, none of this is unique among Republican senators. Carry on.

DIA basically admitted the construction is for Illuminati tunnels (and Blucifer is in on it)

DIA Illuminati

Mike Rounds

I don’t think we’ve paid much attention to Mike Rounds of South Dakota since his 2014 election, so here’s an opportunity to reminisce about just how bonkers that all was.

“A state audit of the scandal reported that it was Benda’s fault for not disclosing his new job to the government before he left office — and not recusing himself from any decisions about the plant, like whether to loan it money, once he’d decided to go work for its investors. But on October 21, Rounds said that he did find out about Benda’s new job before he left office — around the same time he signed off on the loan — and it didn’t stop him from going through with giving Northern Beef more money.”

He was also one of the GOP senators to encourage Trump to withdraw from the Paris Climate Accords. You’ll find a few other familiar names on that list, as well.

The Republicans who urged Trump to pull out of Paris deal are big oil darlings

Ben Sasse

You know why Ben Sasse made the list today?

Because of his stupid books. The message he really wants his readers to take home is, if I may paraphrase, “Children today are so childish! Not like the very brave and tough and resourceful children of the old days when my generation was young… in the 1980s.” Hey Sasse, Wikipedia tells me you were born in 1972, so you’ve got about 10 years on me. We’re those the years we stopped living as rugged individualist homesteaders who hunt immigrant grizzly bears to protect our families? Because I don’t remember any of that stuff from school, and I doubt you do either, you lying troglodyte.

“I intentionally read no modern fiction.”

Roy Blunt

I lived in Missouri for 6 years, and all I can even be bothered to say about this guy is, yes, he’s on the take.

Senators who tried to kill Yemen bill have been paid by lobbyists

Tom Cotton

Demonic idol, football mascot, and senator from the state of Arkansas, Tom Cotton stands out from the others in this list. It’s not that he doesn’t love bribes – ritual sacrifice could be considered a type of bribe, after all. It’s not that he doesn’t want us all dead – oh, I assure you, he does. It’s not that his loyalty to the Dark Lord is infinitely greater than his loyalty to his country – that’s not unique in this list. Come to think of it, none of this is unique among Republican senators. Carry on.

Please do not threaten Mayor McSquirrel or anyone else. Aaaaaaaaaand begin!