The Day Thread Hacks the Planet (11/24)

Hackers is a movie that’s nominally about hacking, but really about crazy fashion that you wish was common in the 1990’s. It’s less an accurate reflection of the era and hacking and more a proof of concept for: “What if hackers… were superheroes?” Considering the superheroes that actually were coming out in the 90’s… these guys are an improvement. They even have superhero names like “The Phantom Phreak,” “Lord Nikon,” “Zero Cool,” and “Acid Burn.” Something that Hackers totally whiffed on: that online handles have to at least be two words long.

It’s a movie where all the protagonists are supposed to be in high school, but everyone looks like they graduated college already. Hackers stars a young Johnny Lee Miller as a hacker who stuffs 3.5″ floppy disks in his belt, Angelina Jolie as some sort of cyberpunk Romulan, and Fisher Stevens as a rock-and-roll skateboard vampire. Seriously, if there’s a single reason to watch this movie at all, it’s to see Fisher Stevens. He’s incredible.

He also wants everyone to refer to him as “The Plague.”

Matthew Lillard is also in it, and it may be my favorite role I have ever seen him in. He’s playing some sort of stoner idiot savant who always seems to be in the right place at the right time.

By the way, there’s a climactic scene where they contact all the hackers of the world to help out… and one of them is a Russian hacker. That’s not going to come across as awkward in the Year of our Lord 2018.

The movie is incredibly 90’s — but the fun 90’s of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, which is kinda weird when, like I said, this movie is nominally about hacking. Why walk when you can rollerblade? There’s a teen hang-out with a built in rollerblade track and video games everywhere. Also, freaking Jolt Cola is prominently featured.

EXTREEEEEMEEE! Oh, yeah, and the guys shilling that are hackers in kabuki make-up.

You know how that movie, xXx, was supposed to be an extreme sports version of James Bond? They only wish they were this extreme!

Mess with the best, die like the rest!