Having gained the position of Weekend Politics Thread host via bribery and Kremlin interference, I intend to hold onto it through undemocratic means for as long as humanly possible. I’m sure going to need those means, because polling numbers are not looking good. My handlers have advised me of some potential causes of the rapid decline, like stripping health care away from millions out of spite, or spending the Avocado’s entire defense budget on hiring the British thrash metal band Xentrix to perform at my birthday. But who knows. Anyway, I’ve got no shortage of role-models for when I inevitably need to rig the Avocado’s next vote. Just looking at the still-incomplete results from ‘Merica’s recent ‘lections, there are a ton of great shenanigans to motivate an aspiring tyrant like myself.
Georgia Secretary of State and Governor candidate Brian KKKemp has a pretty good thing going on. Now, he wants to be governor even though his opponent is better than him, so he had the Secretary of State illegally prevent black people from voting. But remember, HE’S the Secretary of State! See what he did there? It’s all so clever. Anyway, it appears to have worked. Yesterday, his opponent Stacey Abrams conceded – though maybe conceded isn’t the right word. As she put it, “I acknowledge that former Secretary of State Brian Kemp will be certified as the victor in the 2018 gubernatorial election. But to watch an elected official who claims to represent the people in this state baldly pin his hopes for election on suppression of the people’s democratic right to vote has been truly appalling.”
Medicare fraudster, Florida Governor, and warlock Rick Scott gained that middle title in a bloodless coup (hey, Avada Kedavra is bloodless!) 8 years ago, and is now seeking to leverage his amazing record of terribleness to gain a US Senate seat. Now, he wants to be Senator even though his opponent is better than him, so he had the governor illegally prevent all the votes from being counted. As the governor put it, standing in front of the his mansion, “I will not sit idly by while unethical liberals try to steal this election.” But remember, HE’S the governor! See what he did there? It’s all so clever. Anyway, it appears to be working, but as of this writing, the recount is ongoing and Scott’s opponent Bill Nelson has not conceded.
And then of course there’s the world’s most smartestest expert on election fraud, Donald Trump (footage below).
But you all know about this guy already. At one point, he just outright said that all the contested races should be given to the Republicans, period. Par for the course. He wasn’t on the ticket this year, so these particular attempts to undermine American democracy have been pretty half-assed, and are doomed to be ineffectual in either direction. He doesn’t care enough about anyone else to do anything but Tweet.
And then there are all the GOP officials who couldn’t quite make it. For every successful rigging of an election this year, there were an untold number of failed ones, and the folks who thought they had it in the bag but, you know, didn’t, are still pretty mad about it. Consider Kris Kobach, who’s whole strategy for becoming governor of Kansas was to use his office as Secretary of State to suppress the vote based on fraudulent claims of voter fraud. See how the fraud forms a neat little circle? It’s like a racist snake eating it’s own tail. Anyway, he lost, and that’s a nice reminder that this election was pretty successful for the Democrats in most of the country.
So what’s the takeaway for my dictatorial strategy? I think it’s best summed up by the immortal words of Xentrix: “No Compromise!”
Of course they were delivering a well-meaning message about sticking up for yourself to your parents and your record label and stuff like that, while I’m talking about destroying basic decency and democratic governance, but the attitude is the important thing! Refuse to acknowledge obvious conflicts of interest, rip through those stupid elections, no compromise with nonsense like the law, and you just might be holding a victory in your blood-soaked hands! Most importantly: once you’ve got hold of one office, be sure to use it illegally to get to the next one.
A note to WPT host emeritus Uvular: You asked that your successors not copy your style. I hope I haven’t, but you write really good, so if I unconsciously absorbed a phrase or two, I apologize.
Keep the comments flowing! Get the mods’ attention if you need, and don’t threaten Mayor McSquirrel.