It’s time for another round of Muppet Casting, where we take a famous movie and ask, if Jim Henson’s Muppets made their own version of it (in the vein of The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island), which Muppets would you cast in the lead roles?
This week, it’s Die Hard!
Gonzo the Great as John McClane – We need a Muppet who’s enough of a wacked-out showboater to do stuff like the “Now I Have a Machine Gun, Ho-Ho-Ho” sweater, but not so incompetent that he couldn’t come up with some of the clever stuff John does. Gonzo I can see doing it all.
Camilla the Chicken as Holly Gennero/McClane – If Gonzo is John McClane, then Camilla’s gotta be Holly. And when you think about how little Holly contributes to the story, beyond being the reason John’s in the building and a hostage used against him at the end, replacing all her dialogue with chicken bawks really doesn’t change much.
Pepe the Prawn as Harry Ellis – This guy’s gotta seem like the sleaziest, most arrogant, and most obnoxious prick around. That’s playing right into Pepe’s wheelhouse.
Uncle Deadly as Hans Gruber – I considered Sam the Eagle for the part, but while he can do the cold, imperious, and arrogant parts of the character, he doesn’t have the diabolical spirit of joy that’s crucial for Hans. Only with Deadly do you get the whole package.
The Swedish Chef as Karl – Partly it’s casting a Germanic guy to play a Germanic guy, but also I just think seeing the Swedish Chef angrily spraying a machine gun everywhere would be hilarious.
Bunsen & Beaker as Theo – Bunsen to provide the brains, Beaker to provide an anonymous terrorist/thief who’s getting way more than he bargained for with this heist.
Fozzie Bear as Carl Winslow Al Powell – Not a particularly competent cop, not called on to do much of anything, clearly freaked out by everything going on, but a decent guy nonetheless. I think Fozzie could do good work with the part, and keep the banter between him and John light and funny.
Sam the Eagle as Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson – Arrogant, condescending, by-the-book to the point of lunacy, and an authority figure who exists to be proven wrong at every turn. Could it be anyone else?
Statler & Waldorf as Agent Johnson & Agent Johnson – A pair of assholes who hold all the other characters in snide contempt, and comment on the action from above (from a helicopter rather than a balcony, but it works much the same).
Rizzo the Rat as Argyle – Argyle has to have instant camaraderie with McClane, and with Rizzo and Gonzo playing those parts, that should be no problem. Plus, the way Argyle’s content to just chill out in the parking garage through the entire movie? I can definitely see Rizzo doing that.
The Muppet Newsman as Dick Thornberg – They’re both TV reporters. What more d’ya need?
Those are my picks for a Muppet rendition of Die Hard. What are yours?