That new Spider-Man game is great. The web-slinging across Manhattan is exhilarating. Stopping grand theft autos and muggings with a web shot and a quip. And stringing up thugs, just like flies.

But one feature that’s really plucked my webs are the glorious amounts of suits. OH the diverse selection of silk-spun underoos is stupendous! It reminds me of the Spider-Man game I use to play in my youth, way back in Y2K days of the year 2000 on the PlayStation. I use to pour hours trying to unlock all the spidey suits (before eventually giving up and entering the unlock-all cheat).

“I’m already at full health!”

So I’m gonna look back on those suits (and others not in the game) and give them an official 8 legs review! Author’s Note: These reviews are spun from the mind of a Superstar Fashion Critic which is 100% empirically objective and thusly are undisputable. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

 

2099: Sleek, two toned design. Aggression clearly emphasized by the Skulltula chest icon. Needs to get those bone spurs checked out. 6/8 Legs

Symbiote: Very debonair, with the emblem wrapping around the body for a symmetrical design. Though lacks depth. Ya’know, they say black is the new pink wait hold on. Must…send…sternly worded letter…to Marvel…for a…Pink Spider-Man. 5/8 Legs

Captain Universe: Outstanding color design between the three tones. The connected molecular icon adds depth between the lower and upper half. Also reminds me of Grover. 8/8 Legs

Scarlet Spider: Nothing says your down with today’s youths like tilting your icon! Radical! The rest of the costume? Too simplistic. The sleeveless hoodie is a nice addition, but the remainder leaves much to be desired. Lame! 4/8 Legs 

Ghost Spider: Exceptional. The contrasting tones between the upper and lower half lead to a dynamic image. The red with blue webbings are nicely detailed. The hood gives an enigmatic eminence. 8/8 Legs

The Bombastic Bag-Man: A stinging critique of our consumerist society. The bag represents the corporate elites’ blinding the people with things they don’t need. The suit representing the financially struggling working class with hand me downs that they can only afford. And the “Kick Me” sign taped upon the back? The elites continuous abuse and exploitation of the common people. 6/8 Legs

Miles Morales: A suit that grabs the your attention to the upper half . The red web texture over solid black give a depth to the proceeding. The red fingers are also a nice touch. 7/8 Legs

Ben Reilly: A shallow imitation of a classic. Uninspired. 2/8 Legs

 

Have a spectacular day everybody!