It’s time for another round of Muppet Casting, where we take a famous movie and ask, if Jim Henson’s Muppets made their own version of it (in the vein of The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island), which Muppets would you cast in the lead roles?
Last week, work commitments kept me from getting Muppet Casting up on time. So, this week, we’ll be making up for it by doing not one, not two, but four movies. It’s the Batman movies of the 80’s and 90’s: Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin!
Kermit the Frog as Bruce Wayne (a.k.a. Batman) – Yeah, yeah, Kermit doesn’t exactly scream “fearsome creature of the night”. However, the version of Bruce Wayne from the first two movies, the quiet, somewhat awkward, but still quite friendly guy played by Michael Keaton? That I can see Kermit doing. Besides, don’t you want to see frogarangs in action?
Scooter as Alfred Pennyworth – Stage-hand to butler is a pretty lateral move. Granted, with Scooter you don’t get the age difference and the quasi-paternal relationship, but that wasn’t really emphasized in these movies as much as it was in the later Dark Knight trilogy.
Sam the Eagle as Commissioner Gordon – Gordon has a much smaller and less important role in the Burton/Schumacher films than in most other Batman cinema, so I figured I’d just use Sam as the go-to generic authority figure. Plus, Gordon’s one of the few characters who doesn’t ham it up in these movies, so Sam’s deadpan demeanor is a good fit.
Miss Piggy as Vicki Vale – Beautiful and headstrong, and a love interest for Kermit’s Batman? Miss Piggy could be no one else.
Statler & Waldorf as Jack & Napier (a.k.a. The Jokers) – I know, I know. You’re gonna tell me Fozzie should be the Joker. I get where you’re coming from. But I have other plans for Fozzie this week, and the Joker’s more mean-spirited sense of humor, and the way he demolishes a gallery full of art he doesn’t like . . . I think our two favorite hecklers could do an admirable job with the role.
Gonzo the Great as Oswald Cobblepot (a.k.a. The Penguin) – They look kind of alike, are both acknowledged as being freaks and weirdos even by the off-kilter standards of their fictional worlds, and if you choose Gonzo for the role, you can just put all the chickens in tuxedos and call them penguins!
Our Very Special Guest, Mr. Christoph Waltz! as Max Schreck – I feel like you need a human guest star in the role, since Schreck is supposed to be a more traditional villain, in contrast to the weirdos filling up the rest of the movie. He won’t be the same as Christopher Walken, because no one is, but I think Mr. Waltz could come admirably close.
Miss Piggy as Selina Kyle (a.k.a. Catwoman) – A seemingly sweet woman who reveals a violent side brimming with righteous fury, and has a weirdly combative romance with Kermit’s Batman? Miss Piggy could be no one else.
Rowlf the Dog as Harvey Dent (a.k.a. Two Face) – For all of Tommy Lee Jones’s scenery chewing, this version of Two Face always felt like he was a little lazy. He doesn’t seem to have any grand plan or agenda for his crime spree until the Riddler badgers him into one, and you get the sense that what he really likes is hanging out in his ornate lair with sexy henchwomen dressed in angel and devil costumes, and the supervillainy is simply what lets him maintain that lifestyle. I think Rowlf’s chill demeanor could be surprisingly fitting for the part.
Walter as Edward Nygma (a.k.a. The Riddler) – Once again, people will probably say Fozzie should play the part, riddles and jokes being so similar. But, once again, I’m saving Fozzie for something else. And since Edward Nygma starts out as an obsessive fan of Bruce Wayne, I felt like Walter’s obsessive fandom for Kermit would translate well into the role.
Robin as Dick Grayson (a.k.a. . . . Robin) – This one is just obvious.
Miss Piggy as Dr. Chase Meridian – Beautiful and headstrong, and a love interest for Kermit’s Batman? Miss Piggy could be no one else.
Skeeter as Barbara Wilson (a.k.a. Batgirl) – Since this version of Batgirl is related to Alfred instead of Commissioner Gordon, and I already cast Scooter in the Alfred role, having his sister be Batgirl just makes sense.
Fozzie Bear as Victor Fries (a.k.a. Mr. Freeze) – This is what I was saving Fozzie for. It just has to be him. In Batman & Robin, Mr. Freeze delivers some of the most infamously terrible puns in all moviedom. To give those puns to anyone but Fozzie would be downright criminal.
Sweetums as Bane – You just need a big, strong, kinda dumb guy to do henchmany stuff, and Sweetums can do that in his sleep.
Miss Piggy as Pamela Isley (a.k.a. Poison Ivy) – A woman that every man thinks is the most beautiful creature in the world who they’ll do anything to be with? Miss Piggy wouldn’t allow you to cast her as anyone else!
Those are my picks for a Muppet rendition of the Batman movies. What are yours?