Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of May 22. Rest in peace Robert Indiana, who designed the iconic Love print that graces the top of this post. It’s always a worthwhile reminder.
You can listen to this week’s episode here, and read this week’s Savage Love column here.
Dan’s opening rant is about Jordan B. Peterson. He’s the psychology professor who’s the cheerleader for the patriarchy and first came to prominence when he refused to use trans students’ preferred pronouns. Peterson, among other vile beliefs, says that the cure for male rage is “enforced monogamy.” This, of course, flies in the face of research that shows that 55% of murdered women are killed by current or former male partners. Peterson is seizing on “incel attacks” to make women even less safe. Peterson is so beloved by the so-called incels because he puts the blame anywhere but on the men themselves – on liberal society, on women, on the education system. It’s heinous and insidious, and it doesn’t help people who need help, who sometimes need to hear harsh things.
On to the calls! A woman in a rural state is out as pansexual to her husband and friends. She is monogamous with her husband and plans to remain so. Should she come out to her family as pan? Dan thinks most bi or pan people in opposite-sex relationships aren’t out to their families. It would help the cause if our caller came out. Besides, what if our caller becomes single at some point? Easier to come out now than then.
A 24-year-old bi man is out to most of his friends. One of his friends, a woman, said she wouldn’t date another man because he’s bi. This got our caller thinking: Is it a moral failing to not come out to potential romantic partners? Dan says yes. You don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t know you and want you for who you are. Don’t fear rejection of biphobic folks, make them fear yours.
A woman is dating a man who is 21 years older than her. He has a son her age who lives out of state. When the son came to town, the boyfriend invited her over to meet the son. She did and spent the night as well. She was fucking her boyfriend that night when the son came in and started sucking on her toes. The boyfriend didn’t confront the son until after our caller left (he would have confronted him earlier, apparently, but she didn’t want to be left alone). Our caller feels violated and wonders if she’s been set up. That’s a bad sign, Dan says. There are tons of red flags here. Dan would get the hell out of this, and I totally agree. If you have to, give the boyfriend one last chance to explain himself, and if he leaves you feeling anything other than 100% safe, leave.
A female college student crashed at an old high school male friend’s place after a concert. The friend offered to let her sleep in his bed. She felt totally safe around this guy. Well, she woke up in the middle of the night to him groping her, and she froze in the moment. The next morning, she confronted him via text. He apologized, she thinks sincerely, and she buys that he was really fucked up and dreaming and had no idea what he was doing. Our caller’s boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn’t buy the apology for a second and thinks our caller got assaulted. What does Dan think? Dan can’t say for sure who is right, but he thinks our caller is giving the old friend the benefit of some very grave doubts. For her own protection, Dan thinks having the read of the boyfriend is the safer course, and that would mean cutting the friend out of her life and spreading the word in the social circle.
A 26-year-old woman has not eaten pork products for three years. Her family asks at every family meal if she’s liberal or Muslim and try to shove pig in her face. Now her husband is making noises about buying bacon. She doesn’t begrudge anyone else their pork, but she wants to be left alone about it. There’s nothing worse, says Dan, than meat-eaters who shame people out of defensiveness. Dan doesn’t know what to say when everyone in your life seems to be an asshole. I say you tell everyone everyone shut up forever.
A 25-year-old Latina woman in Canada just started her first poly relationship. She doesn’t know how accepting her Catholic family will be of a queer kinky poly daughter. How should she do it? Dan thinks that people into kink can run things by their folks on a need-to-know basis. When it comes to relationships, though, you have to come out. It’s really important for families to know about poly relationships in case the worst happens and you need them in an emergency or you need their advice.
A 27-year-old Canadian woman has been living in New York for the last eight months. She’s met a woman she’s into, but she’s having trouble with everything about living in New York. How does she meet new friends without putting strain on the relationship? Dan is a little old-fashioned – he thinks of making friends through work. Find queer organizations in New York that are doing a cause you’re interested in and get involved.
A poly woman has a question about period sex. Namely, her boyfriend said he didn’t want to have sex with her while she was on her period. Should period sex come standard? Dan and Nancy agree that people have a right to be grossed out by blood, and it’s not necessarily sexist. There are workarounds, including menstrual discs.
Inca from ForPlay Films, which makes erotica by and for women, is on to talk about her work. Inca started in the film industry as a costume designer, and she was inspired to start porn because she didn’t see porn out there that catered to women. She thinks that more women would watch porn if the porn out there weren’t so male-centric. Despite all the advances made in the industry, there still isn’t that much porn made by and for women. ForPlay focuses more on sensuality and sex education.
Back to the calls! A woman started seeing a male-female couple, who seemed like they knew what they were doing. The first time she went over, the woman was very standoffish, and everything was tense. The next week, our caller went back again. Unbeknownst to our caller, they had had an unrelated fight. Our caller and the man messed around a bit while the woman stomped around and slammed doors. Our caller bailed. Now they don’t get why our caller is upset, and the guy has suggested having a two-way instead. Dan says don’t see this guy ever again, either as a couple or alone when the couple breaks up in a few months. There are other couples who can make a unicorn feel special – find one.
A 60-year-old man has been dating his girlfriend for four months. The sex and everything else is great, but he has two issues with her. One, she’s overweight, but working on it. Two, she’s had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction. He’s told her about the weight thing, but not the boob thing. Is this something he can get over? When’s a good time to bring it up? Dan points out that he gets over it every time he has great sex with this woman. But four months is too soon to pester someone about their weight or other physical characteristics you don’t like about them. Straight guys are hard-wired to like boobs, it’s true, but love sometimes allows us to accept people and the choices they’ve made. Ask about her experience about her mastectomy, and then fucking listen.
A 32-year-old lesbian is into male rape fantasies and wants to get rid of it. If guilt could get rid of a kink, says Dan, there would be no kink. We don’t choose our kinks, but we choose how we act on them. Our caller reads stories about once a month to satisfy her kink, which harms no one. Let it go.
An early-30s gay man didn’t come out until he was 23, when he lost his virginity to an older man. Even though our caller is comfortable with himself now, sometimes he still feels a tinge of guilt. This manifests itself especially after he gets off from dirty porn or a hookup. What gives? The culture sometimes gives us messages that leaves guilt that never goes away, like a scar. It’s always good to remember that, even in straight-land, even before contraception, sex is about more than making babies. Also, remember the little mind-fuck that is the refractory period. Prolactin not only shrinks your boner, but returns the feelings of disgust around sex.
Caller feedback! Maybe the woman who is bad at giving head just hates giving head. Medication can help the guy with the dopamine problem if he has ADHD. A biracial woman is attracted to white men, and she agrees with Dan that the guy who is attracted to Asians shouldn’t feel bad.
Thanks for reading.