Let’s take a brief break from Scott’s Top 10 lists to go through a different Top 10 list- my Top 10 Guy Fieri’s Las Vegas Kitchen and Bar menu descriptions. Strap in, because I’m about to take you for a ride.

10. The Big Dipper Sandwich– “The mack daddy of all roast beef sandwiches. How can you resist?”

Easily.

9. Tatted-Up Turkey Burger– “This burger is a work of art like Guy’s tattoos.”

The Mona Lisa. The Sistine Chapel. A full arm tattoo of a half-naked lady that says “Namaste” above it.

8. The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger– “This burger is money! It’ll leave you in a food coma!”

I’m pretty sure if you eat this, there’s a number you can call for financial compensation.

7. Fried Ice Cream Boulder Sundae– “A build-your-own-ice-cream brouhaha.”

Can the guy who writes words like “brouhaha” in restaurant menus write all restaurant menus from now on? Also, this is a boulder of fried ice cream, which doesn’t sound too appalling at this point.

6. Sashimi Won-Tacos– “Everyone’s fave ‘cuz they’re wicked tasty! … drizzled with ‘wow-sabi’ cream.”

yes, the entire menu is written like this. Also, this is one of the only times that the word “drizzled” is used instead of “smeared” or “drenched.” yum.

5. Guy-Talian Fondue Dippers– “Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip.”

Look upon the Guy-Talian Fondue Dippers and despair.

4. Parmageddon Wings- “Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they’ll end your hunger!”

Holy shit.

3. Brutha’s Badass Caesar Salad– “loaded into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton.”

Besides the misspelling of “garlicky” and a Caesar salad being described as “badass,” this comes in a mega-crouton. How mega? It’s the size of your head.

 

2. The Mayor of Flavortown Burger- “The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta town… An awesome pretzel bun finishes off this bad boy.”

I’m pretty sure the #1 rule of culinary school is “If you want people to eat your food, don’t describe it as a ‘meat blanket.'” Guy Fieri’s success makes him a modern-day prodigy of our times.

1. Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge– “A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.”

this is not food. this is A CHALLENGE. and by “huge mountain” he means “half a cheesecake.”

If you’ve eaten here, please tell me, because this menu is one of the best things ever written and deserves a Pulitzer Prize. Enjoy your night!