I know you all heard some nasty things over the weekend, but I want to be clear that what I said was the opposite of what I meant. Not only is it infrastructure week yet again, but it’s also opposite day, and as Trump’s new lawyer I can say with 100% certainty that that is a real, legal thing and if you’re a cop you have to tell me. When I called you all a bunch of feckless morons I was thinking about the law, not about the truth. Legally, you all might be lacking in feck, but that doesn’t mean I believe you committed any crimes that people have noticed. Also, you can’t hold my words against me anymore, because I have attorney/president privilege which is where I can say “PRIVILEGE” and throw a smoke bomb and if I can run away before the smoke clears, legally I don’t have to answer any of your questions. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth?

The answer… is no. Happy Monday, Avocados. Remember to follow the rules, be kind out there in these confusing and awful times and don’t threaten Mayor McSquirrel or his new ferret lawyer.