It’s time for another round of Muppet Casting, where we take a famous movie and ask, if Jim Henson’s Muppets made their own version of it (in the vein of The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island), which Muppets would you cast in the lead roles?
This week, it’s Kill Bill (Vol. 1 and 2)!
Miss Piggy as Beatrix Kiddo (a.k.a. The Bride, a.k.a. Black Mamba, a.k.a. Mommy) – Miss Piggy is absolutely perfect for the role of a woman who’s been done wrong and is out for revenge, but with a caring heart buried underneath all the violence. Plus, the story would give her lots of opportunities to go “Hiii-YA!”
Annie Sue as Elle Driver (a.k.a. California Mountain Snake) – Elle is in many ways the dark(er) version of the Bride. Very similar appearance, the same training, and (it’s implied) also a paramour of Bill’s, but with a bitter rivalry between them. Annie Sue, the young, up-and-coming pig starlet who clashed with Miss Piggy thus seems like the natural choice, even if their jealousy and animosity would be far more mutual here than on The Muppet Show.
Skeeter as O-Ren Ishii (a.k.a. Cottonmouth) – The animated flashbacks to O-Ren’s childhood would go from being done anime style to being done Muppet Babies style, but with all the gore, death, and pedophilia still in place. And maybe, as O-Ren is hiding under the bed, all she can see of the person who kills her father are their green-and-white striped socks . . .
Camilla the Chicken as Gogo – Character who gets medium focus, but very few lines, is perfect for Camilla. Given Gogo’s viciousness, I can see her making chicken pecks to the face part of her fighting style.
Other Chickens as The Crazy 88 – If Camilla is Gogo, than this is a no-brainer.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem as The House of Blue Leaves Band – Again, another no-brainer.
The Swedish Chef as Hattori Hanzo – I was tempted to go with Fozzie for this part, given just how friendly the character is, but a chef character whose dialogue mostly needs subtitles? It was too good to pass up.
Yolanda Rat as Vernita Green (a.k.a. Copperhead) – The Deadly Viper who gets the least amount of screentime (only one scene other than her non-speaking role in the church massacre), so she kinda gets the dregs of the Muppets’ female cast list.
Rizzo the Rat as Buck – This is pretty far outside the comfort zone of any Muppet, but if one of them has to go so sleazy that they’d lead a man to a comatose woman and say, “Price is seventy-five dollars a f*ck my friend. You getting your freak on or what?”, then I gotta go with Rizzo.
Bobo the Bear as Budd (a.k.a. Sidewinder) – They’re both gruff but not entirely unsympathetic security guards. Seemed like the natural pick.
Rowlf the Dog as Bill (a.k.a. Snake Charmer) – I’m bummed we won’t get him as Rufus the piano player, but Rowlf really is the only Muppet I can see pulling off Bill’s casual-and-easygoing-even-in-the-most-extreme-moments attitude. He’s the only one I can picture shooting the Bride with that truth serum, then, while he’s waiting for it to take effect, give a long, philosophical speech about Superman, not because he’s gotten distracted or let his priorities get out of whack, but because, as long as they’re waiting, they might as well have a little conversation.
Kermit the Frog as Tommy Plympton (The Bride’s fiancé) – If the Bride is Miss Piggy, Kermit pretty much has to play her love interest, but he fits the nice guy settle-down-and-work-in-a-music-store-together type way more than he does Bill.
Statler & Waldorf as Pai & Mei – Grumpy old man who spends almost every second of his screentime insulting the hero in some way? This casting had to be.
Those are my picks for a Muppet rendition of Kill Bill. What are yours?