In college, I was a writer for a sketch comedy show on campus that only lasted for a single showing. I wrote a script that I thought was funny but we didn’t get to produce it. Here it is, it makes fun of psychics!
A LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES OF A PSYCHIC CALL-IN SHOW
A title card saying THE CHRISTOLPH DAFREEZA show appears while the Trololo song plays over it. The show is televised from New York City. We then cut to a man sitting in a chair wearing an incredibly gaudy sweater. So gaudy that Stevie Wonder would be offended by it. So gaudy that Bill Cosby would refuse to wear it. The man is the title Christolph DaFreeza. He speaks with a thick German accent.
Christolph: Trololo everybody, I am Christolph DaFreeza and I have psychic powers! I can speak to the dead and see the future!
Christolph can’t actually do any of these things. He’s a shrewd asshole who cons little old ladies and grieving parents out of their money and tells them lies.
Christolph: My first caller is a 93 year old woman named Randi James. She wants to know how long she will live. Let’s connect to her. Ahoy-ahoy Randi!
Randi starts talking. She sounds like a stereotypical old lady.
Randi: Hello Christopher.
Christolph: No, it’s Christolph.
Randi: What’s that, Christine?
Christolph: No, no it’s-oh nevermind. So, you want to know how long you’ll live, right?
Randi: Yes, especially considering how long my mother’s lived.
Christolph: Yes, when I first started talking to you, I heard the ghost of your mother say she lived a long and fulfilling life.
Randi: No, she’s still alive. Want to talk to her?
Christolph: Wait, what?
A decrepit voice starts talking.
Randi’s mother: I had Randi at age 35. When I was 30, I saw my first movie. It was The Birth of a Nation. I found it so relatable.
While Randi’s mother is talking, Christolph has a look of shocked horror on his face.
Christolph: That’s very interesting ma’am, but I have other callers that I need to tell their fortune to.
Randi’s mother: Are you a carpetbagger?
Christolph hangs up on Randi and her mother. He then yells at his assistant.
Christolph: Why didn’t you tell me her mother was still alive?
His beleaguered assistant comes out in front of the cameras to defend himself.
Beleaguered assistant: How was I supposed to know? You’re the psychic!
Christolph: Don’t get sarcastic with me buddy. Okay, here’s what we’ll do: we’ll pretend that call never happened and cut it out of the show. When I get to the next caller, I’ll pretend that he’s the first caller. That way, no one will know I’m a fraud.
Beleaguered assistant: (under his breath) I hope people do know.
Christolph: What did you say?!?
Beleaguered assistant: I said “I hope it doesn’t snow.”
Christolph: Oh, I hope it doesn’t snow too. Get the next caller ready.
Christolph gets back in his seat and puts a fake smile on as the camera start to roll.
Christolph: Our first caller is Barry Mann, who wants to know if the woman he’s with now is his true love. Let’s connect to him. Ahoy-ahoy Barry!
Barry starts to talk.
Barry: You just quoted The Simpsons.
Christolph: No, that’s how I always answer the phone.
Barry: No, that’s how Mr. Burns answers the phone.
Christolph: Ok, then. Now, let’s get to that love-life of yours-
Barry: I don’t actually have a girlfriend. As a psychic, you should have known that.
Christolph clearly looks uncomfortable and starts stammering.
Christolph: Well… well I have to know you first to predict your future. That’s why I always converse with the person I help first.
Barry: But, we had a brief conversation about The Simpsons remember.
Christolph: (yelling) It has to be a meaningful conversation, Goddammit!
Barry: Okay then, you live in New York City right?
Christolph: (slightly calmed down) Yes, ever since 1975. Why do you ask?
Barry: Then why didn’t you predict 9/11?
A look of horror and anger crosses Christolph’s face.
Barry: You had to have known someone affected by it right? Unless you don’t have psychic powers, you greedy motherf-
Christolph hangs up on Barry and then screams angrily into the air. His anger-filled yelp sounds not unlike “the Dean Scream.” He then yells at the assistant again.
Christolph: What the Hell were you thinking when you booked him for the show?
Beleaguered assistant: How was I supposed to he was going to play the 9/11 card?
Christolph: You’re an idiot and I’m docking your pay!
Beleaguered assistant: (under his breath) You asshole.
Christolph: What was that?!?
Beleaguered assistant: I said “I like to bowl.”
Christolph: Oh, I don’t care for bowling. Now, get the next caller ready and if it’s another disaster, you’re fired!
Christolph then gets back in the chair, and puts another fake smile on. The beleaguered assistant then goes back behind the scenes with a look on his face that indicated that he might prefer being unemployed.
Christolph: Our first caller is Will Smith. He’s wondering how his friends from high school are doing. Let’s connect to him. Ahoy-ahoy Will!
Will then starts talking.
Will: Good, to be talking to you Mr. DaFreeza.
Christolph: Good to be talking to you. Now, before I tell your fortune, I must have a conversation with you so the spirits can help guide me better.
Will: Okay then. Is it okay if I sing you song I wrote about my experiences?
Christolph: Sure, that’d be fine.
Will then begins singing the theme song for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air while Christolph listens obliviously.
Christolph: That was a great song. Now, for your friends, I see them now. I see they all turned their lives around and are now in business school.
Will: All of them are at business school? Even Jazzy Jeff?
Christolph: Jazzy Jeff has the best grades.
Will: That’s good to know. Thanks for all your help, Mr. DaFreeza!
Christolph: You’re welcome my friend.
Christolph then hangs up the phone with an actual smile on his face.
Christolph: That idiot bought it!
Christolph than starts laughing evilly while the beleaguered assistant walks onto the set. The beleaguered assistant, who has is familiar with The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has a smile on his face too.
Beleaguered assistant: Yeah, you got the better of that idiot.
Christolph: Yeah, this’ll make a good first call for the show.
Beleaguered assistant: (under his breath) Dumbass.
Christolph: What was that?
Beleaguered assistant: I said “That was a blast.”
Christolph: That was a blast.
Hope you all have fun posting here today and have a great day.