Bob: Welcome back everyone, to night three of the 1987 Winter Olympics, live from Gary, Indiana. I’m your host, Bob Costers, and this is Julie Aspartame. What a day it was for competition!

Julie: That’s right, Bob. So much athleticism on display. Let’s start with the Jet Ski Freestyle.

Bob: The first heat got under way at the Hobart Family YMCA. It may seem odd to some of our viewers that a watersport like Jet Ski Freestyle took place in an indoor pool, especially since Lake Michigan is right there, but let me assure you that the athletes in this first round did not let that bother them.

Turning in the fastest time was Mark Teragon from Europe, followed by Frank McDormand, from the Banana Republic. We’ll wait to see if they medal in the finals next month.

Julie: A great performance, Bob. Up next is a sport I’m not very familiar with. It’s called Snowboarding, and it’s like skiing, but with just one ski instead of two, and you ride it sideways! That’s what’s so great about these Olympic Games. There’s always something new and different, whether it’s Bob Fosbury leaping backwards over the high-jump bar, or North Korean baseball players bringing a message of joy and can-do spirit back home to their families after finishing in last place at the 1981 Games in Soweto.

Bob: You make a good point, Julie, and for the record, the gold medalist in Snowboard today was Allie Oxenfree from Africa, followed by South American Wyn Dufay, and the Middle Eastern, Mitt Ronmie. But I have to say, and I hope our network won’t be too upset with me, that I don’t see much of a future for this Snowboarding sport, such as it is.

Julie: Really glad you said that, Bob. I didn’t want to be all alone out there, with my controversial opinions.

Bob: Nothing controversial about it, Jules. Snowboarding is pointless and dumb.

Julie: We already have skiing, so I just can’t see the difference!

Bob: It’ll never catch on. And it’s a waste of precious Olympic time that could be spent on more exciting, mainstream pursuits. Speaking of which, let’s go over to the Curling match that just wrapped up.

Julie: You’re so right, Bob. This one went right down the wire, with the Brobdingnagian team edging their way onto the podium after defeating the Atlanteans by one-hundredth of a point.

Bob: You can just feel the passion emanating from the crowd’s cold, stoic grimaces as they took in this match.

Julie: Not even the subzero temperatures, blinding wind, frigid sleet, pounding hail, and herds of angry reindeer charging in and out of the roofless, seatless, wall-less Garydome could keep these fans away. I haven’t been this exhilirated since the Dressage final in last year’s Summer Games.

Bob: Of course, that non-domed arena is ordinarily the home of the Gary Landlubbers, a single-A baseball franchise affiliated with the Montreal Expos. The city paid $800 million to construct it last fall, along with offering the team some major tax rebates. I think after the displays of athleticism and grace that we’ve seen here today, you can safely say the investment was worth every penny.

Julie: A lot of good things will be coming Gary, Indiana’s way for lending their facility to the International Olympic Committee, free of charge. After the break, another new sport, Beer Pong! But first, a word from our sponsor.