Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast review for the week of January 30. I hope you’re doing something sexy tonight instead of watching the State of the Union. It doesn’t have to be sexy, really, either.
You can listen to this week’s episode here.
Dan’s opening rant is about the firestorm over the study that examined cuckolding in gay couples, a study that listed Dan as an author. Also last week, an anti-bullying school bulletin board that talked about gender nonconformity listed a quote from Dan. This was enough to get all the right-wing nutjobs into Dan’s mentions, including Todd Starnes. Starnes is most famous to me as the guy who @Mobute calls a pee drinker. Starnes allowed a woman who saw the board to make the claim on his radio show that Dan is a pedophile. Well, Dan has Nancy “call” in to say that it’s well known in conservative Christian circles that Todd Starnes is a baby goat fellator. Dan cannot independently verify at this time.
On to the calls! A 28-year-old woman is thinking of moving in with her boyfriend after a month and a half of dating. Her family is for it, her friends are against it. Dan is with the friends on this one. I’m not one for rules, but “Don’t move in with someone you’ve known for six weeks” is a good one for me.
A woman hands the phone off to a man to ask the question. This man and his girlfriend have been together for eight months. She doesn’t enjoy their sex at all, and he doesn’t know what to do. She’s capable of enjoying sex, because she has with past boyfriends. Dan wishes he could call them back. He wants to know why she doesn’t enjoy the sex at all – is it because it’s traumatic or uncomfortable, or is she just not coming? “At all” implies that no part of the experience is pleasurable. If that’s true, they need to split up. If it’s just that she’s not coming, she needs to help our boy out a little bit. If she masturbates, she needs to do that in front of him and show him the way around. If she doesn’t know her own pleasure, then she needs to start making that a priority for herself instead of unfairly shoving it all onto her boyfriend. Dan’s remarks bring up a common, and correct, theme: we need, in addition to comprehensive sex education, to teach our young people about pleasure as well.
A 29-year-old bi man is in a relationship with a beautiful 33-year-old woman. Everything about their relationship is wonderful except for one thing. She’s had a traumatic past which includes male violence and has extreme PTSD. These lead to insecurities and arguments that escalate to near-violence (she being violent toward him). The caller fears he is being abusive at these points and leaves. Our caller is thinking of ending the relationship. Dan thinks that is justified because the caller is in an abusive relationship. A woman can abuse a bigger man in a relationship, and that’s what’s happening here. Get out for your own safety.
A 26-year-old woman (an aside here – she identified herself as a “26-year-old female,” which drives me nuts) has a friend who is in an abusive relationship with an ex-friend of the caller. Last night, the friend asked if he could crash at her place because his girlfriend, the ex-friend, went crazy because the friend went out for a drink. She smashed up their TV and other electronics and destroyed his clothes. Today, the friend says they’re “working on it.” Our caller is worried for her friend. Part of the issue is that the friend has feelings for the caller and the ex-friend hates that and has stalked the caller. How can the caller help here? Dan notes a study that says approximately one in four men have been subjected to domestic violence by their partners. Although more women experience domestic violence and their violence tends to be more severe, it does happen to men as well. Dan advises the caller to call in the cavalry and stage an intervention. The caller needs to make friendship contingent on getting away from the abuser. Dan notes that this is a tricky situation to manage – often abusers use social isolation to keep their victims with them, and this seems at first blush to play into that. If you acknowledge this up front, though, and defend yourself by saying you don’t want to be the victim of this person as well, that might be the impetus needed to get out.
A 20-year-old straight woman was raised Catholic and is still in the church. She told one of her super-Catholic cousins she was masturbating, and that cousin was appalled. How does she explain this to people? Dan advises her to stand her ground. I’ve never discussed masturbating with my cousins, but hey, maybe I’m doing things wrong.
A 29-year-old woman tends to be submissive but attracted to men who are also submissive. Her latest man is wonderful, kinky, willing to explore, about the same level of experience as our caller, but a sub. How can two subs make it work together? Dan says there’s a cliché in BDSM land that most tops are frustrated bottoms. Often, this makes them better tops. Dan says that both people should take turns topping each other. There’s also the kink community which has dedicated tops.
A woman is a unicorn (a woman interested in a threesome with a couple). How does she meet couples? She wants to do it naturally, not online. There’s nothing unnatural about meeting online, Dan scolds. The odds of meeting a couple in a bar or wherever are not great. Everyone is online now, donchaknow?
A 29-year-old woman has started a dating/fuckbuddy relationship with her shy awkward neighbor. She thinks she’s the clandestine side piece, and apparently she has experience being that before. His Facebook page has a picture of him nuzzling with another woman. Our caller laments that she is never the girlfriend, only the side piece. What is she doing wrong? Dan says she needs to ask for what she wants – sometimes you need to refuse to settle to get what you really want. Dan’s prescription is to stop being the fuckbuddy for now. After all, if you’re busy, and you spend your emotional and physical energy on fuckbuddies, sometimes you don’t have enough left over to pursue the relationship you really want.
Dan has on Nicole Mazzeo, a sex educator and head of Pleasure Pie, a creator of zines and other publications that address sex positive sex education. The zine that caught Dan’s attention is called “The Art of the Solicited Dick Pic.” The first step is obtaining consent, and the next eight steps actually help people create the best dick pic they can. Dan found the lack of shaming and negativity in this regard refreshing. Mazzeo and Dan agree that we need to talk more about our successful and positive sexual experiences. You can visit their website at pleasurepie.org.
A bi woman has been with her boyfriend for four years. She is an introvert and a homebody. She fantasized about being with other men, which she does from time to time, and she opened a Tinder account just to look. But she felt guilty and closed the account after five minutes. She told her boyfriend and he got very upset. Innocent flirting in real life is okay, he said, but opening a dating app is not – he blamed instability in relationships generally on this type of behavior. Who is right? Dan notes that regardless of whether it’s a problem generally, it’s a problem in this relationship specifically. The boyfriend has a problem with it, and that’s what they need to talk about it. Temptation does seem to be a bigger risk than random flirting in a bar, so the boyfriend has a point.
A bi poly cis woman is a phone sex operator. How can she recover from scarring calls more quickly? How can she keep her sexual identity? How can she keep up with the emotional drain? Dan calls back for details. One call she took was from a man who told her he raped a girl, and that a bunch of girls cut his balls and half his penis off, and didn’t he deserve it? Dan advises her to tell her employer that there are some calls and some fantasies that she can’t play along with and provide effective service. Our caller points out that she can’t screen or refuse calls in advance, but she can hang up on people. Dan suggests saying up front that she does not do rape or violence fantasies, and putting that in her profile. Dan further advises that she shift the focus to whether the callers violate boundaries, and then hang up on the ones who do.
A 28-year-old woman has only experienced orgasm through penetrative sex. Sometimes cunnilingus is too stimulating, like electricity. Our caller feels like she’s missing out. Dan says that direct stimulation of the clit for this woman is too intense. Our caller needs indirect stimulation. Don’t forget, the clit is more than the exposed part – there are clitoral roots beneath the surface. I agree with Dan that there is nothing wrong with our caller, FOMO aside.
A woman is in love with her sister’s husband, and he loves her too. They are best friends, have kissed many times, and have fondled each other, although they have not had sex. He has tried to take things further, but our caller has shut him down. The sister has no idea. What should our caller do? This is a Jerry Springer episode, isn’t it? The only thing to do, Dan says, is to get the fuck away from your sister’s husband. There are over 3.5 billion men on the planet – go find almost literally anyone else. Dan thinks the taboo of this situation is the main driver behind the infatuation. Do you agree?
Caller feedback! Bathtub is the place where little kids can play with their butt. New mothers can get their breasts back. The only difference between a 5’6” dom and a 6’ dom is the former needs a ladder to get to the top of the refrigerator.
Thanks for reading, everyone.
Image via iStockPhoto.