Dobry wieczór, Leftorium! I’m here to tell you about the politician that has my heart, Vermin Supreme. He’s run for local, state and federal office since the 1980s, ran for president in the last couple elections, and came in fourth at the 2016 New Hampshire primary. Vermin is a man of integrity. A man of the people. He wears a boot as a hat. He wants to give everyone a free pony and turn the US into a pony-based economy. He wants federal funding for time travel research. His healthcare solutions can’t be beat: mandatory toothbrushing laws and, if you get ill, you’ll be strapped to the top of Mitt Romney’s car in a dog carrier and driven to Canada to use their socialized medicine.
He also cares about civil rights issues. To stop the illegal immigration problem, he plans to have the border patrol pick up whoever comes across the border and give them citizenship. He believes no woman should ever be forced to have an abortion, and that fetuses should sign waivers saying they want to be born. He wants to eliminate marriage and replace it with a yearly updatable cohabitation contract. His stance on the death penalty includes this quote from Sister Helen Prejean: Government … can’t be trusted to control its own bureaucrats or collect taxes equitably or fill a pothole, much less decide which of its citizens to kill.
Vermin’s energy plans are a little complicated, but quite useful. In the Ponytopia, as he calls it, he’s going to harness the power of zombies and utilize the latest hamster wheel turbine technology. This will happen underground, and it’s carbon neutral, so we can keep the countryside beautiful and untouched. He wants to repurpose law enforcement agents as dental technicians, with his main concerns being zombie preparedness and vastly expanding NASA to put ponies in space. He also plans to defeat ISIS with a combination of time travel, pony bombs, pony drones, pony troops, pony tanks, and hoofs on the ground – boots on the head – we are going to take them on. He will also utilize time travel to go back in time and kill baby Hitler.
According to Robert Evans of Cracked, he is the reason that the RNC stayed safe and under control. He defused tension with humor, doing things like critiquing police officer’s bike riding skills, trying to get the two rows of bike cops to race, and when the Westboro Baptist Church showed up, he read their sign aloud and said: Drunkards and murderers and dope-heads and sodomites, those are my voters!
Oh, and he glitter bombed known bigot Randall Terry at the lesser known Democratic candidates forum because god told him to make that man gay. Everything else is peachy keen, but this is the real reason why, if in 2020 he runs, you all need to vote for him.
Also, as this world has gotten crazier, Vermin seems to be going almost legit. He used to be a kinda Libertarian, but now he appears to be a flat out socialist. He shows up at alt-right rallies to help lead protests against them and hangs out with members of Antifa. He’s the man we need, not the man we deserve. So give Vermin Supreme a hand. The guy is a mensch and deserves all of the love and respect in the world. 