Trumpy Bear is Here to Solve All of Your Christmas Shopping Problems

If you need a gift for your grandpa who claims that those pansies at the NFL have become “too political,” or for your aunt who became a Jackie Evancho fan only since last January, or for your nephew who for completely confusing reasons carries around a Pepe the frog plushie, we’ve finally found a gift this CHRISTMAS season that will work for them all: Trumpy Bear.

Trumpy Bear, who you might’ve heard of if you watched that lesbian talk show Ellen this week (but you probably had to do so because you were stuck in a doctor’s office, and you were probably only there because ObamaCare has made everything about your medical visits so slow), is a real thing which blurs the line between parody and reality, in that I’m not sure anyone has any idea if he’s meant to be a joke or not. His commercial–which lasts a good two minutes–plays like a sketch from that terrible TV series Saturday Night Live, which only ever had a good host two times, and lately has been taken over by that guy who voiced The Boss Baby. But Trumpy Bear, being the beer-loving, all-American patriot that he is, is a beacon of hope for our troubled times. In a season typically dominated by snowflakes, he stands as a true anti-SJW symbol of toughness.

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Trumpy Bear is a perfect gift for anyone who doesn’t hate our country (unlike those God-hating Build-A-Bear Workshop bears who aligned themselves with homosexual propaganda like that Frozen picture), and he has a lot of fans to prove it. Take this woman, who loves Trumpy Bear almost as much as she loves apple pie, the American flag, and probably thinks “Born in the USA” is a deeply patriotic song.

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“God bless America, and God bless Trumpy Bear” she proclaims in a way with such a lack of irony that you would normally swear she was in a Funny or Die video. But women aren’t the only ones attracted to Trumpy Bear’s grab-them-by-the-beehive ways. Men love Trumpy Bear, too, which is very manly, by the way, and they won’t in any way get awkward stares from anyone by riding their motorcycles with Trumpy Bear.

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Trumpy Bear, who will probably have sexual assault allegations thrown against him by Leonardo DiCaprio any day now, can fill a loved one’s stocking for the cheap, cheap price of $40 plus shipping and handling. And he is totally something you can buy, lest you still think this is in some way a farce. He has his own website where you can purchase him, and comes with his own Certificate of Authenticity, to prove to your friends that he is the real deal and not some cheap rip-off you bought at the kiosk from that balding guy at the mall.

But we haven’t even gotten into what makes Trumpy Bear a TRUE patriot, and it’s not the fact that he sounds like a name a hairy gay supporter of Trump would call himself. Trumpy Bear loves his country so much that he apparently had surgery done to have an American flag blanket installed in his back, which is so cozy and will keep you nice and warm this winter (and boy, this winter sure will be cold! We need more global warming, am I right?).


Trumpy Bear is the ideal CHRISTMAS gift for you to give to everyone you know this CHRISTMAS, and you don’t need to stop your use of him by merely having him make your golf cart look fabulous. You can bring him to Starbucks and have him order a coffee in order to boycott them, then watch the silly employee’s face as he is forced to say the name “Trumpy Bear!” Or you can boycott CNN with Trumpy Bear and not watch them and then complain about the lack of commercials you saw for Trumpy Bear while you were not watching CNN. Or you can simply bask in the unfathomable mystery that is his hair. Trumpy Bear will go great with your Jailbird Hillary-y Bear, who comes with a ball and chain and a prison cell with a glass ceiling she can never break out of.

Trumpy Bear is made in China.