Sure, kids these days have their “Nickelodeon” and their “Cartoon Network” for endless child-friendly programming, but when I was a young Jake, we relied on the USA Cartoon Express, featuring a bountiful lineup of cartoons mostly recycled from the 1960s Hanna-Barbera catalog. Some of these shows, for better or worse, remain part of the cultural zeitgeist – The Smurfs, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Space Ghost, Yogi Bear, Johnny Quest, Jem, G. I. Joe, He-Man, Transformers, etc. – but some of the more obscure offerings have been relegated to the dustbin of history, remembered only by those fortunate enough to ride the Cartoon Express from roughly 1982 to 1992. Here are some of my favorites:

Samson & Goliath: You mean David & Goliath? No. Samson & Delilah? Nope! This theologically-confusing show follows the adventures of a boy named Samson and his dog Goliath, both of whom transform into superheroes (Samson into the biblical strongman and Goliath into a lion even though he’s a dog) thanks to Samson’s magic bracelets. Sure, why not?

 

Snorks: Underwater Smurfs. That’s about it.

 

Shirt Tales: Five talking animals in t-shirts fight crime. Okay, I admit I loved the Shirt Tales.

 

The Herculoids: Stay with me here. A family of futuristic cave people – Zandor (father), Tara (mother), and Dorno (son) – fight bad guys with the help of Igoo, a rock ape; Zok, a space dragon (who can shoot lasers from her eyes and tail because sure); Tundro, a triceratops with 10 legs who can shoot explosive rocks out of his horn; and Gleep and Gloop, two blob creatures who can turn themselves into any number of useful items but mostly just get sat on by that dick Dorno.

 

And Jabberjaw, wherein some teenagers travel around in a car and play music with a great white shark. You know, like you do.

 

There are so many, many more, but I’ll leave you with Jana of the Jungle because I wanted to be her for longer than I care to admit. Okay, fine: I still want to be Jana of the Jungle. She has a jaguar!

Have a great Night Thread, everyone!