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The Weekend Politics Thread Landed on a Great Hook

♪ I turned to him, I said
“Abalone, you’re just being shellfish”
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil
‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke but there he was
Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless ♪

— “Wet Dream,” Kip Adotta

Le WPT est mort. Vive le WPT!

Your humble thread host discarded several fertile ideas for his and your inaugural The Avocado Weekend Politics Thread, including

  • White House Chief of Staff John Kelly’s racist revisionism on the American Civil War
  • George “I love It When They Call Me Big Poppa D” Papadopoulos turning state’s evidence
  • The truly taxing almost-named Cut, Cut, Cut Act (see banner image)
  • Drumpf’s likely disastrous 13-day Godzilla stomp through Southeast Asia
  • Soon fired or resigned Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions’ perjury tied to the chorus of the too-late-80s-college-rock-for-college-rock national debut single from The Connells, “Scotty’s Lament”*
  • Constitutional crisis after constitutional crisis (maybe Drumpf nominates a bear as the chief scientist for the Agriculture Department?)

but he settled on a fish tale. This one has so much of everything, Weekend Update city correspondent Stefon would reject it as over the top. You want smuggling, corporate espionage, undercover park rangers, assassination threats, improbably cute baby animals, invasive species, habit destruction, population collapse, mislabeling, food safety, weird dietary choices, licensed regional monopolies, and Drumpf’s second- or third-favorite bête noire GY-na? You got it, and more.

Read the article. In summary, the story involves the conviction in U.S. federal court of a Chinese ex-pat who contracted out the poaching of juvenile eels from an off-limits congering ground on Virginia’s Eastern Shore to feed his former countrymen’s insatiable craving** for three-inch not-snakes. The scheme, pulled off for surprisingly little money all things considered,*** had the potential to destroy an entire biological order. Only the aggressive enforcement of well-written trade agreements and environmental regulations staved off an Anguilliformes Apocalypse.

Nuts, right? But overlook the what-the-fuckism of this most-what-the-fuck news report you will encounter today that does not involve confirming the existence of a urine-soaked kompromat video, and you must admit that what have we here amounts to a success to communicate. Imagine a world in which the U.S. government does not set rules and hold business people to them. Picture a planet on which countries do not share information about the inflow and outgo of comestibles. Wrap your heads around a system of commerce unbound by respect for nature.

Snap out of that reverse reverie. Realize your nightmare triggers Trumpists’ nocturnal emissions. Express your dissent and displeasure here.


*The entire Boylan Heights album comes highly recommended from, well, your pal Uvular. Enjoy the video that missed the cut.

**Uvular has heard rumors that English people eat eel pie by choice. He chooses not to believe this.
***Bribes almost never cover the opportunity costs for the bribed. Free advice: Sell yourselves dear, potential criminal conspirators.