Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame opened on this day 30 years ago. It was one of the studio’s most ambitious animated films ever and had a marketing campaign to match. Coming from the same filmmaking team as the Oscar-winning Beauty & the Beast, it was clear the Mouse House had similar awards season hopes for Quasimodo which unfortunately came up short (the only Academy Award it was nominated for, Best Original Score Musical or Comedy, it lost to Emma). But hey, it did win the first ever Satellite Award for Best Animated or Mixed Media Feature, so that’s…something (it was also inexplicably “nominated” for the Razzie for “Worst Written Film Grossing More Than $100 million”, which is not only inexcusably stupid, it also gives it the “distinction” of being the only animated film to ever be recognized by the Razzies and the Oscars. So, you know, fuck the Razzies).

Time has been very kind to The Hunchback of Notre Dame as far as appreciation goes, and it’s now widely considered one of Disney’s greatest and most underrated classics. At the time of its release, all anyone could seem to talk about was how dark it was. Frollo might make it near the top of many “best animated villains of all time” lists, but he also had parents squirming in their seats with unease, as he was the bad guy in at least three different board games. Maybe four. It’s kind of wild, right? No wonder those moms and dads were so upset!

Kicking things off, we have the one I had as a kid, “The Hunchback of Notre Dame 3-D Game” from Milton Bradley. No, you didn’t need those silly glasses for the “3-D” in this game, as it came with an elaborate cardboard Notre Dame which was somewhat difficult to assemble and an absolute pain in the gargoyle ass to store. But it was still cool, even though, if I remember correctly, the rules of this thing were oddly complicated. You had to flip around the game board to move around or something? I dunno. It’s been a while. But I’m getting off-topic. We’re here to talk about that cheeky Frollo, who was at the center of all the action, as you would place him on the top of Notre Dame at the beginning of each playthrough.

That’s right, Frollo spends the entire game at the top of the church tower just waiting for you to come up there and murder him. I’m not sure why he’s even up there. Is he enjoying the view? Is his truss bothering him? In any case, your goal in the game is collect enough tokens for your Quasimodo pawn to be crowned King of Fools, and this unlocks Avengers-level power within the Hunchback of Notre Dame. No one can fuck with him anymore, and he can now confront the evil Frollo–who really didn’t do anything in this game besides stand still–and slide him off the platform and tumbling to his doom. Also, thanks for the spoilers on the back of the box, Milton Bradley! That didn’t piss kid Scrat off when he looked at this at Toys R Us at all (that’s not sarcasm, it actually didn’t bother him, because Scrat was a freak back then who didn’t mind spoilers).

Now that Frollo has paid the ultimate price for his vague cardboard crimes, let’s move on to our next game, and this one I didn’t possess. This was “Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Electronic Talking Board Game” from Parker Brothers. This also came with a “3-D” display of Notre Dame, although it seems much less fancy than the one included with the aforementioned “Bye, Bye, Frollo!” game. The gimmick here, as the name promised, was an electronic talking device which said phrases from the film, and from what I can gather, the player would have to do whatever they were told every time they pushed a button.

Frollo takes a much more proactive role this time, and captures Esmeralda like a Bond villain to lure Quasimodo and Phoebus into a trap (at least I…hope those are his motivations). It’s up to you to rescue her, even though she looks…fine. Like she looks like she’s just dancing around. Frollo ain’t even anywhere near her outcast butt. But if you push the button and Frollo speaks, well, you are fucked! To directly quote the back of the box, “‘COME BACK, YOU COWARDS!’, commands Frollo, as he sends you back to start all over. He is so nasty!” Indeed, Frollo is so nasty. I can see why so many parents were concerned. Can you imagine all of the annoying brats who couldn’t stand losing flipping this game board over after Frollo forced them back to the start space? Must’ve been Hell…fire.

The last game we’re looking at today (there was also a dominoes game, but none of you are going to keep reading this if I spend time discussing “The Hunchback of Notre Dame Dominoes Game”) is “Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame Town Square Game,” and if there’s one way to make sure children get excited about buying something, it’s to call it “Town Square Game” (no wonder I don’t recall seeing this in stores, it must’ve always been sold out!). In this game, Quasimodo and his friends are having a race, so I guess they like doing that now. They all run around Town Square but can only do so moving diagonally, because Quasimodo is a loser who is terrible at coming up with rules for games since he was homeschooled by a religious weirdo, but everyone is afraid to tell him to his face out of fear of being called ablest.

Now Frollo is having none of this. He can’t stand around watching Quasimodo engaging in a “zig-zag race across town” and decides he must put a stop to it. True to his evil nature, and proving that old habits die hard, he wants to send everyone back to start. I…guess that’s how he gets his kicks. To quote the box directly, “watch out for Frollo! He’s BAD NEWS!” Indeed, Frollo is bad news. Sending people back to the start of a race isn’t cool at all. I can see why Frollo has so many fanfictions focused on shipping him with Esmeralda, except that I can’t, because why would she fall in love with a dude who loves sending her pals back to start? Maybe she also has sick kicks. Quasimodo, you’re better off without her, man.

Wait WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE WAS A FROLLO ORIGIN STORY CHAPTER BOOK FOR KIDS WHICH IS APPARENTLY SUPER RARE AND FOLKS OVERCHARGE FOR ONLINE? WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM? WELL FUCK I GUESS I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO A HEADER ON THAT SOMEDAY WHEN I AM OLDER, WHEN I AM WISER, AND WHEN I HAVE LEARNED WHAT THE HELL IT EVEN IS!

Have a great night, y’all! Also “I had a little trouble with the fireplace” is a very funny line which I also can’t believe made it into the movie.