It’s Oscar night! Well, Oscar day. But it will be Oscar night soon! Which means that I’m going to hear nothing but people glazing on Sinners for a while. Yes, Sinners is officially the most-nominated movie in Academy Awards history (mind you, there’s a new category this year), and after initial reluctance, I finally caved and decided to check out this Sinners flick for myself. I had been hoping it wouldn’t be too sinful (I’m sorry to say I was quite disappointed there), but I had heard it involved gangsters and vampires. Gangsters vs. vampires? Sign me up! Hell, you guys should’ve just called the movie Gangsters vs. Vampires instead.

Anyway, I’ve been stalling long enough. Time for the mother of all hot takes. A take so hot it’s going to burn the entire internet down. I am about to ruin everyone’s day and say that Sinners fucking sucks. Why the ever-loving fuck is everyone hyping this cinematic piece of shit?

Yes, yes, “taste is subjective” and all that, but this was nominated for sixteen fucking Oscars. I do expect something more with that! Also, I think I may have been mislead just a little on Sinners. I had heard it takes forever for the vampires to show up, but I don’t think they ever did show up. Like at all. Oh, there were gangsters. So that promise was kept. At least I think they were gangsters? Yeah, they were gangsters. I’m pretty sure.

Okay, fine, I’ll come clean. I lied to you. I didn’t watch Sinners. I tried to watch Sinners, but got only about a minute in and I had to stop. I might atone for my sins later on, but not in time to write this header. I mean, it began with gangsters. At least I think they were gangsters. Then a really weird sex scene started, and since I wasn’t by myself, well, I didn’t feel comfortable watching anymore of the film on my smartphone. Again, I intend to remedy this later. Maybe. Probably. Let’s call it a 50/50 chance. Someday.

But anyway, I’m sure you’ve all probably seen Sinners like twenty times by now, and you’re probably ready to have my head on a spike for daring to speak blasphemy over this movie which everyone won’t shut up about. But if you haven’t seen it, just watch this trailer. Then maybe you’ll know why I’m so confused over all of the fucking non-stop praise (also, remember that “weird sex scene” I mentioned earlier? Well, I don’t think this trailer has any actual nudity, but you know, it may or may not still be NSFW, and I’m not here to get any of you fired, so watch with caution and all that). Prove to me I’m not alone! The Emperor has no clothes, and that emperor is named Sinners!

How the hell does this movie have so many nominations in the technical categories? Production Design? Costume Design? This looks like The Room with guns (oh wait, that film already had a gun). What fucking movie did those Academy voters watch? Oh right, they didn’t, because Academy voters are constantly being exposed as lazy assholes who for some reason decide to keep publicly admitting to the press they don’t actually watch the movies they vote for. So I can say with 100% certainty that’s what must’ve happened with Sinners. They heard about the hype, they didn’t want to risk being ridiculed by the “no one better dare say that Sinners is better than One Battle After Another crowd” online, and so they just closed their eyes and voted for Sinners in every damn category having no idea what they were doing. And I’d be willing to bet that’s the only reason Sinners got a retro VHS release, apparently (actually, I have no idea why that happened, but cool I guess?).

Have a sinful day, y’all! Also, why the fuck was this Frankenstein thing nominated for so many awards too? All I can say is “go Hamnet!”