Disney’s Muppet Treasure Island opened on this day 30 years ago. Not that I was allowed to go. No, really. I wasn’t allowed to see Muppet Treasure Island in theaters, since my mom thought it was “too violent.” No, really. Now, this may have been because of my younger brother (who was five at the time), but it’s still weird. I guess my mom didn’t like guns being used in a Muppet movie even when no one got killed by them. I mean, I was allowed to watch Pocahontas, and that had bloodless bullet deaths. And later on I went to The Hunchback of Notre Dame more times than I’ve seen any other film on the big screen to date, and that one had…well, a lot more than Muppet Treasure Island.

Anyway, despite having Muppets and guns, Muppet Treasure Island was still marketed towards children. This included a Happy Meal promotion, and I didn’t even get to collect any of those because “Kermit had a cannon.” My mom went full Batman Returns on McDonald’s selling toys for a violent movie (okay, I am exaggerating there. Kind of).

Anyway, these were bath toys. Violent Muppet bath toys. Including the aforementioned Kermit, who violently shot water out of his violent water cannon. Violent! And if that wasn’t outrageous enough, there was a “tub book” for the under-three toy. Yes. Children under three were subjected to such violent Muppet content at such an innocent age. This is why we fell as a society.

Okay, okay, enough of my not-at-all bitter snark. What’s everyone’s favorite thing about Muppet Treasure Island? Why, Tim Curry, of course! Unfortunately, McDonald’s had no toy for Long John Silver. But if you lived in the UK, Burger King had you covered! They had an entirely separate collection of toys which could not be used in your bathtub, but one of them was based off Tim Curry. And as you can see, it looked exactly like him!

Have a professional night, y’all!